INCANDESCENT

Since this season has been a bit difficult for me to grab hold of the holiday cheer that's going around, I've been making a point to think about the things that I am grateful for and thought I'd share. So, here goes.



... The TRINITY and The WORD- clearly :) I love spending time reading and talking to God. There's just nothing like it.

... My family. They mean the world to me.

... Laughter, spades, talking trash and spontaneous get togethers.

... Friends that love, encourage me and aren't afraid to tell me the truth...even when I DON'T want to hear it.

... My new job and ride. I absolutely enjoy my new job and crazy co-workers, even if they say the house we work in is haunted. Ghost Hunters here we come!

... The icebox where my heart used to be - LOL! Totally kidding (shout out to Omarion and Timbaland!) but seriously, the ability and desire to love despite all of the reasons not to.

... Being able to bless others because God has blessed me.

... Being able to forgive and accept forgiveness.

... Pizza - yes it's that serious.

... Dreams and Visions. Prophetic words and Promises. It's sometimes overwhelming to see them play out but fills my heart with such joy, expectation and excitement...most of the time :)

... K-Love as bizarre as that may sound - Though I am NOT appreciating them playing Montel Jordan's Christmas song...smh. Maybe it'll grow on me lol

... Redbox. A blessing when I want to mellow out and relax.

... Being healed and healthy. I'm beyond aware of what my life should be and there is not a word created to show or express the gratiude that I feel that God saw fit to make it completely opposite.

... Sleep. All of my close friends know this is something I enjoy doing...kind of like a hobby lol. I actually have a friend that used to pick on me because I would always be sleeping when he'd call me.

... Dancing, singing, speaking and creativity. I feel most alive and all is right with the world when doing one of the four of these.

... My quirkiness and expressions. Hey, it has to be good for something! At least entertaining if nothing else.

... Living in the US of A.

... Affection. Hugs and kisses (even the forehead love - no, not the one from The Best Man) from loved ones just fill my heart up to capacity.

... My Spiritual Family. We've been through hell and high water together and yet we are even better and stronger than we were before.

... Words. Realizing they don't just hurt you, but can also heal you.

... Late, delirious roomie chats that always happen when we should be sleep to get up for work, on time, the next day.

Mmmm...So it's a little more than ten lol. Oh well :)

This song tends to speak to me every time I hear it and I love the lyrics. One of my favs that I thought I'd share.  The lyrics to the song are below and if you click on the title, it will take you to his video.

; )

      So, how do I conquer this? How do I “let the dead bury the dead” per say and LIVE even when I have to walk through the valley? I have to re-focus. Re-focus again and again and again on God and his promises and his love for me AS WELL AS follow Philippians 4:8:

  

    For two days my chest has felt as if someone were standing on it. The weight of the want for retribution and the joy of recent revelations have been both encouraging and enraging. To be in a place to where I get to digest the fact that I did not deserve to be treated the way I had been nor is there anything wrong with me is bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that I realize that there is nothing about me that needs to be changed. Not in a prideful "I don't need to continue to grow and learn" way but "God has formed me and fashioned me in such a way that he did not make any mistakes." The bitter side of this is because I, for so long, felt "less than perfect and de-valued," that I have spent a large amount of time trying to change who I am to fit what I felt others wanted or what others determined I should be. I allowed people to come into my life and put me into the box of their own pre-conceived notions and ideas and I've felt internally trapped. I have bowed to people comparing me to their idea of "perfection" and when I do not...can not live up to those standards, I am, in turn, considered to be less valuable - this, of course, is my perception. You must know that I will always fail next to perfection - whether your ideal or the actual definition of the word.

I am not perfect.

     Never will be. I could very well be the most imperfect person in the world, have the darkest past and loftiest faults but I am learning that that's not such a bad thing. How can I say that? Because with all that has happened to me, I am able to look at my life, at my past, at my failures and see where God's mighty hand was perfectly interweaving the beautiful threads of grace, forgiveness, mercy and unbelievable healing. Are there areas of my life that need improving and continuous revelation and guidance? Of course! But I never again want to spend countless hours, days, months or years trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me - why was I not picked, not listened to, not noticed. I never again want to feel like I'm not important enough for someone to treat me with respect and courtesy. I never again want to intentionally pick myself apart and alter who I am as a person to figure out how to have someone accept me. I never again want to be sorry for being me.

     You see, without my imperfections, un-desirable past, I would not have the incredible story of redemption and restoration that I have. I would not have the intimate relationship with God that I do . I would not have such solid friendships. I would not know the strength that I have to persevere through un-believable circumstances. I would not be able to continuously decide to move forward regardless the difficulty. I would not have the anointing and ability to speak into so many peoples lives with power and conviction without experiencing within myself, my personal circumstances, God's faithfulness.

      God has taken such a flawed story and is turning it into a perfect testimony. Yes, parts of my story have already been completed, perfected, but as far as my life as a whole, there is so much more that is in store for me and I am beginning to look forward to experiencing it as myself, and not as the imposter I was morphing into. I pray that in this walk, this journey, I will not lose myself in the thoughts of others or the fears of my heart but that I will enjoy being who I am.

Perfectly Imperfect.

     I have been mulling over and over in my head the events of these last two months…well actually this past year and trying to figure out how I feel about all of it and I am still at a loss. I feel like I’ve just had the wind knocked right out of me, kind of how it is after someone has gut-punched you and I am having a hell of a time recovering. Every day for the past few months I have had extreme highs and extreme lows and have cried, it seems, non-stop. I do not know how to get out of this place but I do know I don’t like it and it’s severely painful.

         Clearly, I’m hurting but Lord knows it’s not my desire to stay here, but this hole seems deeper than the last and I can’t seem to climb my way out of it. I’ve heard the saying that tears are the water that promises tomorrow’s harvest but in my case, I hope the flood it causes in this claustrophobic hole I’m in will be kind enough to allow me to float to the top and breathe as opposed to totally overtaking me until I drown. This is all so ridiculously dramatic, I know, but it’s how I feel and writing gives me a form of reprieve.

        I must say, in all of this, in the middle of the mess of my emotions, confusion, anger and fears, God has been faithful in giving me sweet reminders throughout my days of how much he loves me and how he sees me. He keeps saying to trust him and EVERY TIME I hear that word I shudder and weep.


        And I immediately thought of Fair-Weather trust, which probably wasn’t my thought at all, lol. No one wants a fair-weather friend, right, so I’m sure God does not want a fair-weather believer. Oh, how easy it is to trust God when all is well. When there is not necessarily a “need” to trust or believe or hope for anything. It is always easy to love and trust God when all is going according to our plans but it is when the wind begins to blow in a manner that foretells of a storm that I/we should be ready and willing to trust him. We should set our face like flint and charge the storm with faith and courage knowing that we are completely protected in the middle of something that would normally fill our hearts with fear and not allow the torrential rain, inconsiderate wind and menacing lightening to batter us until we retreat, whimpering and defeated with our tail between our legs. So much easier said than done.