How can I claim something that goes against the very thing God calls us to do a success? To fully rebel against the most important commandment from 1 Peter 4:8? “Love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (NIV)” It’s simple. Because loving people deeply hurts. And not just fall-and-scrape-your-knee hurt. I’m talking gouge-your-eye-out-puncturing-your-soul hurt. At least that is how it feels to me.
“Loving someone makes you feel hurt that severely?” you ask.
Uh…yes, lol. You see I have always had a large heart, I guess you could say. I’ve never been one to allow someone partially in or love a friend/family member up to a certain point. As much as I’ve tried over the years, to match what I’ve received or put a limit on it, I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to love someone with part of my heart or only share part of my life. When I give my heart, my friendship, I give it wholly. Up until a few years back, I didn’t mind this attribute about myself so much. Even with the hurt and rejection of random friends/family/strangers, I would cry, shake it off, move around and get to loving again. Honestly, I loved the thought of loving people and loved the act of loving people. I think I even took a bit of pride in it. It was something that never ceased to fill my soul.
That was then.
That was before a few years ago. Then all hell broke loose and my heart was sent into overload with all the things that it could possibly stand until only a heartbeat was left. Just the frantic red line that mirrored the rhythm of my heart and the constant movement of my eyes was the only sign of life I had left over. I laughed hallowed laughter, I smiled with only my lips and I cried until I was sick. I’d become a shell of what I used to be. If it weren’t for friends and family jump starting my heart, my life, every day with how they loved and encouraged me, I would still walk around emotionless, empty. They are the ones that loved me awake (of course Jesus was a vital part in this) and I am grateful but during that time I learned to live off of their love for others, not my own. I’d been too afraid to love again. To let anyone in again. To allow myself to be me again. To feel without someone coaching me to do so. At some point I’d have to make the decision to love again.
This is where I am now.
I decided about a year and a half ago to allow myself the joy of loving people again. To allow myself to gain new friendships and open up to those I’ve let into my life. The issue I have, why the pain is so great, is because there are so many instances where things look as if it will go down that same horrid path, not that it has or is, just looks like it, and I revert. I panic and go back on my word. I yell to God “Close me back up! I don’t want to love! I’m afraid! They will hurt me and I don’t think I could survive it this time!” And do you know what He says to me every time? “Trust me.” Two words that send me to my knees. One word that causes me to almost immediately retreat – trust.
I am learning to trust God with my heart and trust that those who have my heart are getting it through Him first. Instead of me loving people through myself, my strength, my ability, I must instead love people through God, his strength, his ability. That when I get hurt, just like I know I will likely hurt others, the arrow will not directly hit my heart, but there will be a Guard there. A Protector who will determine what gets through to me, to my heart, and to what degree. In this, in His strength, I am able and willing to follow his commandment again and love deeply…only this time without fear and without pride. This is my prayer.
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