INCANDESCENT

Since this season has been a bit difficult for me to grab hold of the holiday cheer that's going around, I've been making a point to think about the things that I am grateful for and thought I'd share. So, here goes.



... The TRINITY and The WORD- clearly :) I love spending time reading and talking to God. There's just nothing like it.

... My family. They mean the world to me.

... Laughter, spades, talking trash and spontaneous get togethers.

... Friends that love, encourage me and aren't afraid to tell me the truth...even when I DON'T want to hear it.

... My new job and ride. I absolutely enjoy my new job and crazy co-workers, even if they say the house we work in is haunted. Ghost Hunters here we come!

... The icebox where my heart used to be - LOL! Totally kidding (shout out to Omarion and Timbaland!) but seriously, the ability and desire to love despite all of the reasons not to.

... Being able to bless others because God has blessed me.

... Being able to forgive and accept forgiveness.

... Pizza - yes it's that serious.

... Dreams and Visions. Prophetic words and Promises. It's sometimes overwhelming to see them play out but fills my heart with such joy, expectation and excitement...most of the time :)

... K-Love as bizarre as that may sound - Though I am NOT appreciating them playing Montel Jordan's Christmas song...smh. Maybe it'll grow on me lol

... Redbox. A blessing when I want to mellow out and relax.

... Being healed and healthy. I'm beyond aware of what my life should be and there is not a word created to show or express the gratiude that I feel that God saw fit to make it completely opposite.

... Sleep. All of my close friends know this is something I enjoy doing...kind of like a hobby lol. I actually have a friend that used to pick on me because I would always be sleeping when he'd call me.

... Dancing, singing, speaking and creativity. I feel most alive and all is right with the world when doing one of the four of these.

... My quirkiness and expressions. Hey, it has to be good for something! At least entertaining if nothing else.

... Living in the US of A.

... Affection. Hugs and kisses (even the forehead love - no, not the one from The Best Man) from loved ones just fill my heart up to capacity.

... My Spiritual Family. We've been through hell and high water together and yet we are even better and stronger than we were before.

... Words. Realizing they don't just hurt you, but can also heal you.

... Late, delirious roomie chats that always happen when we should be sleep to get up for work, on time, the next day.

Mmmm...So it's a little more than ten lol. Oh well :)

This song tends to speak to me every time I hear it and I love the lyrics. One of my favs that I thought I'd share.  The lyrics to the song are below and if you click on the title, it will take you to his video.

; )

      So, how do I conquer this? How do I “let the dead bury the dead” per say and LIVE even when I have to walk through the valley? I have to re-focus. Re-focus again and again and again on God and his promises and his love for me AS WELL AS follow Philippians 4:8:

  

    For two days my chest has felt as if someone were standing on it. The weight of the want for retribution and the joy of recent revelations have been both encouraging and enraging. To be in a place to where I get to digest the fact that I did not deserve to be treated the way I had been nor is there anything wrong with me is bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that I realize that there is nothing about me that needs to be changed. Not in a prideful "I don't need to continue to grow and learn" way but "God has formed me and fashioned me in such a way that he did not make any mistakes." The bitter side of this is because I, for so long, felt "less than perfect and de-valued," that I have spent a large amount of time trying to change who I am to fit what I felt others wanted or what others determined I should be. I allowed people to come into my life and put me into the box of their own pre-conceived notions and ideas and I've felt internally trapped. I have bowed to people comparing me to their idea of "perfection" and when I do not...can not live up to those standards, I am, in turn, considered to be less valuable - this, of course, is my perception. You must know that I will always fail next to perfection - whether your ideal or the actual definition of the word.

I am not perfect.

     Never will be. I could very well be the most imperfect person in the world, have the darkest past and loftiest faults but I am learning that that's not such a bad thing. How can I say that? Because with all that has happened to me, I am able to look at my life, at my past, at my failures and see where God's mighty hand was perfectly interweaving the beautiful threads of grace, forgiveness, mercy and unbelievable healing. Are there areas of my life that need improving and continuous revelation and guidance? Of course! But I never again want to spend countless hours, days, months or years trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me - why was I not picked, not listened to, not noticed. I never again want to feel like I'm not important enough for someone to treat me with respect and courtesy. I never again want to intentionally pick myself apart and alter who I am as a person to figure out how to have someone accept me. I never again want to be sorry for being me.

     You see, without my imperfections, un-desirable past, I would not have the incredible story of redemption and restoration that I have. I would not have the intimate relationship with God that I do . I would not have such solid friendships. I would not know the strength that I have to persevere through un-believable circumstances. I would not be able to continuously decide to move forward regardless the difficulty. I would not have the anointing and ability to speak into so many peoples lives with power and conviction without experiencing within myself, my personal circumstances, God's faithfulness.

      God has taken such a flawed story and is turning it into a perfect testimony. Yes, parts of my story have already been completed, perfected, but as far as my life as a whole, there is so much more that is in store for me and I am beginning to look forward to experiencing it as myself, and not as the imposter I was morphing into. I pray that in this walk, this journey, I will not lose myself in the thoughts of others or the fears of my heart but that I will enjoy being who I am.

Perfectly Imperfect.

     I have been mulling over and over in my head the events of these last two months…well actually this past year and trying to figure out how I feel about all of it and I am still at a loss. I feel like I’ve just had the wind knocked right out of me, kind of how it is after someone has gut-punched you and I am having a hell of a time recovering. Every day for the past few months I have had extreme highs and extreme lows and have cried, it seems, non-stop. I do not know how to get out of this place but I do know I don’t like it and it’s severely painful.

         Clearly, I’m hurting but Lord knows it’s not my desire to stay here, but this hole seems deeper than the last and I can’t seem to climb my way out of it. I’ve heard the saying that tears are the water that promises tomorrow’s harvest but in my case, I hope the flood it causes in this claustrophobic hole I’m in will be kind enough to allow me to float to the top and breathe as opposed to totally overtaking me until I drown. This is all so ridiculously dramatic, I know, but it’s how I feel and writing gives me a form of reprieve.

        I must say, in all of this, in the middle of the mess of my emotions, confusion, anger and fears, God has been faithful in giving me sweet reminders throughout my days of how much he loves me and how he sees me. He keeps saying to trust him and EVERY TIME I hear that word I shudder and weep.


        And I immediately thought of Fair-Weather trust, which probably wasn’t my thought at all, lol. No one wants a fair-weather friend, right, so I’m sure God does not want a fair-weather believer. Oh, how easy it is to trust God when all is well. When there is not necessarily a “need” to trust or believe or hope for anything. It is always easy to love and trust God when all is going according to our plans but it is when the wind begins to blow in a manner that foretells of a storm that I/we should be ready and willing to trust him. We should set our face like flint and charge the storm with faith and courage knowing that we are completely protected in the middle of something that would normally fill our hearts with fear and not allow the torrential rain, inconsiderate wind and menacing lightening to batter us until we retreat, whimpering and defeated with our tail between our legs. So much easier said than done.

     Have you ever made up in your mind that you will never love again? That you will never allow another person into your heart as long as you live? That no man or woman will ever have the ability to hurt you with the words they say or by their actions? I have and it was a success, per say, for a time.

It’s so difficult to see someone so clearly and know that they’ve lost sight of you.


As much as I wish I could stop it, sometimes, my heart feels like it's breaking.

     I have never been one for small dreams. Visions that only I could accomplish. Goals that I could say I finished alone. No! If we're going to hope, why not hope big...beyond our own capabilities? If we’re going to dream, why not dream OUTSIDE THE BOX? I'm not the daughter of a small minded Father, so why should I be fearful to act like him...dream like him? So what no one has ever done it! Maybe it’s for you to be the first. Don’t be afraid to be a Trail Blazer. So what no one believes you can do it! Believe in yourself. So what you don’t have a degree in that field! Research, study, practice so when the door is opened, you’re not scrambling to ready yourself for something God gave you time to prepare for. Accomplishing our dreams is not only for us to become wealthy, stable, give us bragging rights or accolades. It is not to boost our pride, prove the “haters” wrong, or even make us feel complete. It is to advance God’s Kingdom. His will. His heart.

     We tend to forget that the “good” that we’re wanting to come out of our success is directly pipelined into our heart from God’s heart. Do you really think you came up with these great ideas all your own, just for you? We pray for His will to be done and for what breaks his heart to break ours and then we put stipulations on it…

“It must happen this way, with this many people, by this age, in this season, with a max percentage of this much discomfort/pain/displacement.”

     We dream small to make sure we remain comfortable. To have just enough. Not too much to temp us, not too little to complain. Or we are too fearful to dream big because we don’t know the price we will have to pay for that platform. We’re afraid we will fall into the holes that have engulfed so many before us. We secretly declare “that will never be me because …” and all the while God could be saying,

“But I have chosen you to be a great voice to my people. Trust me and I will guide you around/out of the snares of the enemy. I will not let your foot strike a stone. I will protect you and keep you. I will take guard of your name because you are doing all these things I am showing/guiding/telling you to do in MY NAME.”

                               

 I’m sure many of you are thinking “her blog has turned into the ranting of a lunatic” but please hear me out. What does this title have to do with me?

Let me give you some history.

     About 6 or 7 years ago, when I first moved here, there was a “person” that I looked up to and held in high regard and one day after church, in the midst of a group of us, “they” looked at me and said “you need to lose some weight,” and proceeded to comment based off of the outfit I had on. At the time I weighed about 110-112lbs, same as I am now. I remember what I was wearing - a v-necked, fitted black dress shirt and black pants and the shirt had a tendency to roll up at the bottom because it was made out of this weird, funky material but was still cute. I guess this made it look as if I was “causing” the shirt to roll up and that gave “them” the freedom to state their view of my frame. I don’t think I wore that shirt ever again…I couldn’t even tell you where it is.

     From that point on, I developed very severe body issues. I began to buy my clothes about a size or two too big because in my mind everything needed to be looser to fit. I stopped wearing dresses, skirts, anything that was seemingly “fitting.” And I would compare myself to every woman that I saw that looked to be the perfect size…which I was not. If around my friends or even in a room of strangers, I would feel like everyone was judging what I had on and that they would whisper, “There’s the fat girl. Look at her. Look at her clothes. Ugh!”

     I know you may think this is ridiculous because I know I am small, I always have been, but it’s so very real to me. Have I had any eating disorders because of it? No, not really, I love to eat too much, lol, but I have suffered a great deal because of it and though I’ve come a great deal away from that particular insecurity, I still have bouts of feeling that my size, my frame, is appalling to people and I internally shut down.

     What brought this all up? The small group I’m in is doing a study on Insecurity – FUN – and I feel like I am the most insecure person in the group which makes it extremely hard to participate. I often have comments, I’m sure you’re not surprised, but to speak amongst these beautiful, smart, educated women sends me into silent mode and I will mostly respond to the questions only in my head. With that being said, this study has made me the most sensitive and self-aware I think I’ve been in a long time if not ever. It has been a struggle to even write down the “roots” of the insecurities I have, let alone speak it aloud. Why? Because it is forcing me to relive the moments that so stained my heart and it’s painful and the emotion of it all is leaking into every other part of my life to where I feel insecure about dang near everything. I guess that would make sense if the roots of this has travelled to those areas.

The point?

     I got issues man! Lol…naw but seriously, it makes me think of how easy it is to push down insecurities or cover them over with something else until it no longer looks like an insecurity. Until the day God makes you face the seed, the tree and no longer the branches. I used to pray often that God would miraculously make me confident. That I wouldn’t feel so small (no pun intended) around others. I didn’t consider that the uprooting of this Mammoth sized tree in my heart would be painful and this is only ONE and nowhere near as large as the others (so I think).

     We have no idea how much long term damage our words can do to people. I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of it even if no one wants to admit it, but we have to learn to bridle our tongues, pass our thoughts and potential words by the Holy Spirit and let him fix as necessary before they’re let loose to the public, myself especially, because we never really know if someone is now (in) counseling, rehab, depression, self-destructive, denial or suicidal years later because of something we carelessly said years ago.

“Life and death is in the power of the tongue and those who love to talk will eat their own words. ~ Prov. 18:21”

     ...and I don’t believe this scripture was only meant to be made personal as far as speaking over yourself. I think it was also to help us keep in mind what we say to each other - you can help grow or help kill those around you. As we speak life over ourselves, try to be mindful to always speak life over and into others. What kinds of fruit are you helping others grow? Does the seed that you helped plant in someone’s heart need to be plucked out or uprooted or is the fruit that it’s bearing helping to nourish the person to thrive in the Kingdom and in all they are as a person? This can be difficult at times, especially if you are emotions-driven and feisty like myself, but it is now at the forefront of my mind and I thought it good to help bring it to the forefront of yours.

                      

     Do you remember the game "Mother, May I?" The premise of the game is you stand about 20 feet away from the "mother," she gives you permission to do something, you respond with "Mother, may I?" and in turn you are allowed to move forward. The first to reach the mother wins. Where am I going with this?

Glad you asked.

     The Facebook phenomenom is starting to get to me. Mind you, I appreciate the updates, ability to stay in touch with people and just the fun of sharing silly quotes, pics and comments together BUT what I do not like is that some people do not take things as official or deem it as important if it's not announced, published, updated, or posted on Facebook. Why is that? Why does it have to be on FB to be real? My constant response to these comments or inquiries is that Facebook does not rule my life. Am I an avid FB user? Yes. I love being on this particular social network and the hilarious comaraderie that takes place amongst my friends, especially during a redundant or aggravating work day but the constant "Why didn't you put it on FB?" or "Oh, so it must not be...like...good or serious..." or "You're like inconspicuous. Why aren't there more pictures?" Initially, my feelings were hurt because it made me feel as if I'd done something wrong, judged even... especially by those I thought knew me better than that and should know I never do or not do anything without good reason, now it's just irritating.

Sigh...

     I do not feel I have to ask FB, persay, to legitamize what's important to me. There is no need to be suspicious of what I'm doing if I don't throw my entire life on the internet. I think I'm an extremely open person, sometimes waaaaaay too open, but some things that I hold dear to my heart, you may just not know about until I'm ready to share it with you...in my own timing...in my own way. I promise it's nothing against anyone as a person, I'm just not necessarily one to always follow the trends. Maybe I'm just rebelling against technology, I don't know, lol, but it's my choice as much as it is yours.

     So the next time someone makes a similiar remark, please do not be surprised if I stare blankly at you, smile and give you the SAME response I've been having to give to so many others...

Facebook does not define my life.

                                  


     Have you ever met someone you wish you hadn’t or gone to an event where someone made you feel like you were the stranger amongst strangers and you thought to yourself “I wish I could poof myself right out of this room, into my car and away from these people?” Well, this is my venting about such an event. A friend of mine, Rick, had that happen to him and it was infuriating and disheartening to hear.

     Let me just say, first off, that I am a stickler for communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t beat around the bush or give me hints, just tell me. Tell me exactly what I should expect at an event so I don’t wind up internally burying myself, raging and/or sobbing. Be mindful of how you say things to me, intonations and such. Don’t leave out words and assume I’m going to fill it in for you because likely, I will not since that will cause me to have to assume and that will always end in flames. Be mindful of how you introduce you and your personality to me, especially if you’re…

BLUNT (you are always straight forward),

FIERY (you are always straight forward and you’re sarcastic),

SEASONED with REASON (those that are of the “wiser” age and feel they don’t have to explain anything to the “wiper-snappers” and have earned their place to say/ask/do what they want) or

POPULAR (you’re so comfortable with everyone else there that you don’t consider someone else could be uncomfortable) because these types of people can make new-comers feel awkward, picked on and called out as opposed to accepted, welcomed and drawn in.

     Mind you, not all of us are naturally hospitable people or immediately open to welcoming Newbies into our lives. My friends, my besties, help me with this ALL OF THE TIME because I am the “fiery” one I listed earlier. If you don’t know if you’re one of these “types,” please ask a friend to be honest with you and tell you if you word things in a way that can be offensive or off-putting – not necessarily that the question or statement itself is offensive or off-putting. Hope that makes sense. Please ask them to point out how you could have re-worded a question and/or comment to ensure that all parties leave wanting to come back as opposed to praying God never makes them return.

     Now we all know I hate meet and greet’s and get-to-know-you-anything’s and to hear about this just furthered my angst with going into environments where the majority of the people are strangers and I have to deal with the “who are you?” questions because how these questions are presented can sometimes pull a response out of me you weren’t expecting because I immediately felt attacked or offended or just plain made uncomfortable…and I can do this while smiling. And btw…try not to insult the person by making a joke about they’re life or the information you’ve just acquired…that is NEVER the way to go, especially if you’re trying to potentially gain a friend. First impressions are sometimes all you have. And timing is everything!! Please don’t pull in all lasers to one person, unexpectedly, and think they will just blossom and light-up under the blaring red light you’ve just thrown them beneath. Try to keep intro’s and inquiries as natural as possible.

     Yes, yes, we need people in our lives and not every part of working our ways into society will be comfortable or even pleasant BUT this can be an avoided wound, depending on the person on the receiving end of you talking, an avoided anxiety attack, and an avoided reason to be a hermit. Most of the people that I had a rough “beginning” with, we’re cool now but there are some people that EVERY TIME I’m around them, they say or do something ridiculous that further approves of my running in the opposite direction when I see them. I know most peope mean no harm by it but it can still affect me...us...you. I’m sure I could be one of those people for someone else and if so, I apologize, but I’m learning from it and remain open to growing in that area.

Sigh…

I’m just sayin’…

*Awkward Girl Now Stepping Off Of Her Soap Box…*

     I’ve had this Jason Upton song, FLY, on repeat all morning and I realize that my soul is craving an outpouring of God’s spirit…His hand…His touch and not just for me but also for those around me. Corporate prayer. Corporate miracles. Corporate breakthrough. Corporate repenting.


     My heart longs to see His people free. Free to fly, to soar, to breathe, to dream, to have joy, to be whole. I feel everything in me wanting to run and shout “Listen! There is a GREAT GOD who loves you! Who will forgive you, heal you, restore you, make you whole and turn your life around. There is a man, named Jesus that died for us and took every sin known and unknown to man upon His shoulders and died the death we should have so we may live the life HE should have. Conquered death and is ALIVE with all power in his hands. There is a purpose for our life. It’s never too late or too much for God.”

     I know we should not live only for the moments when God reveals himself in a tangible manner. You know… the fog descending or everyone being “slain in the spirit” but I don’t believe it is wrong to want to see Him manifest himself this way. It sometimes feels as if the days of being in church and being so engulfed in worship and praising our Lord that we never get to the sermon are behind us or forgotten or just doesn’t fit in the schedule. That corporate outcry and surrender is Taboo and schedules must be kept to get God’s message across as opposed to just sitting in God. Do people still get together outside of church to worship and pray together anymore or must we wait until we are cued on Sunday morning to stand, stretch and yawn and stare at the stage waiting for the Team to put us in the mood to worship God? Do we only wait to fill up on Sunday morning once worship has taken place and a great word has been given or do we come with something to give as well? Yes, there is a time and a place for all of this, for our God is a God of order but he is also a non-conventional, out-of-the-box, beyond our understanding God and we must always leave room to allow Him to amaze us and even throw off our schedules…as uncomfortable as that can make us…INCLUDING MYSELF. There was such a sweet moment...peaceful moment at the Gungor concert I went to last week and it was a great reminder that it's ok to not stick to the "plan" and run with whatever idea the Holy Spirit has placed in your heart. It wasn't planned, slightly awkward but amazingly powerful.

     I pray that we come back to the Heart of worship - whatever worship looks like for you. That we will refocus our lives on JESUS and not on our families, work, problems, etc. though these things are also of great importance. That our loved ones will get an overflow of our time with God. An overflow of love, energy, patience, understanding, wisdom, laughter…We must get back to a place where all of our needs are met in Christ and that we are open to God using us to bless one another, help one another, pray for one another. There should not be a need among us and yet it seems we all have a need that someone else could probably meet if they were willing, be it money, babysitting, compassion, food, shelter, etc. I want to get back to James 5:14-15 - “Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.”

     We need our Prayer Warriors back. Our Prophets back. Our Encouragers back. Our Teachers back. Our Leaders back. Our Fathers and Mothers back. Our Husbands and our Wives back. Our Children back. Our Brothers and Sisters back.

     I call you out…I call US out. To step up to the Call. To come out of the cowering darkness. To raise our chins and lift our eyes to look ahead and not behind us. We must go! We must answer the call with knocking knees and trembling hearts and speak with stammering words but nonetheless, GO!

     Lord, hear my prayer, hear our prayers, that you would give us the courage to love, follow and proclaim you OUTLOUD. That YOU in us will ring louder than the world around us. - Amen

    Odd title, huh? I’m sure you’re thinking “She must be crying out in sheer gratitude and excitement and just worded the title strangely.” Um…no. That’s part of it but not at all its totality. This “Cry” that I’m referencing is of slight panic. We so often read of the miracles God has performed in the bible and even amongst friends and other bloggers but I have yet to see a blog that addresses the question “What do I do AFTER God has physically healed me?”

    What do I mean by this?

    Well, when someone is praying constantly for God to heal them and then He does, I think we forget to pray for healing not just for our bodies but for the emotional trauma that comes with any form of sickness. We get so focused on wanting the tangible healing, the “Doctor Reported” healing, that once that is received, through God’s grace and love of course, we come out with a FULLY HEALED BODY and a FULLY SICK HEART and MENTALITY.

    There is a whirlwind of emotions, doubts, “what-if’s,” joy, undeniable pain and a series of revelations of God’s provision, promises and love. There is also a state of mourning you go through for the mere fact that your life has not turned out the way you planned and it’s now fully out of your control. You mourn your dreams. You mourn for your health. You mourn for your life. You even mourn for those who have so thoughtfully chosen to walk through such a tragic event alongside you. And through all of this, when God has decided to heal you, you find yourself still mourning a new, living thing…YOUR NEW LIFE.

    You have been blessed with a healed, restored, miracle of a life and you can’t enjoy it or even to begin to enjoy it because you are still thinking “My God, I almost died.” Instead of “My God, I almost died and you saved me.” You find yourself stuck on death as opposed to focused on your new life.

    So, how do you begin to live again when you thought you would surely die?

    Honestly? The hell if I know! Lol…ok, no, but seriously, this has been a blind walk of faith. Some days I question God’s reasoning as to why He decided to heal ME and not so many others. Why He loved…loves me enough to not let me suffer. Why would He give such an imperfect person a new life, new promises, new dreams only to continue to screw up and make mistakes? Why me, Lord? Why me?

    There is such a burden that comes with healing that people don’t tell you about. I have searched and I have not seen, though I could’ve overlooked it, anything in the bible that addresses the Post-Healing difficulties. Nothing about the Lepers, the Woman with the issue of blood, Lazarus, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there is a terrific freedom that is planted in your soul the instant you hear you’re 100% healthy but you must also carry the weight of the TESTIMONY. Knowing your story is unique to you and one day you will have to share it (because God doesn’t do things like that for you to keep secret) and it’s not for you to gain anything but it is solely to proclaim God’s glory. The weight of knowing your life will NEVER be the same, though in all honesty, it was extremely unhealthy in the past. The weight of the fear of nay-sayers. The weight of the fear of God acting as a MAN. That He will forget or renege His healing you and you will be left to explain the unexplainable and suffer your reality bitterly.

    What I have learned to do when these thoughts creep, whisper or shout in my mind, I declare over and over again,

“God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS MIND. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?”

    God has been so faithful to consistently and constantly confirm the great miracle He’s done in my life that even when I begin to doubt or become fearful, I don’t feel judged and He continues to be patient with me. He knows my heart and that I want to believe in Him and his Word with all that I am. So, whatever you may be believing for. What ever area of your life you are crying out to God to heal, whether body or heart, remember His Word and stand on it with everything you can muster. Pray for God to heal your body as well as restore your mind and heart. Pray that the Lord will restore your joy and teach you how to walk in your new, unfamiliar, slightly tight but amazingly fashionable shoes. Take in the new car smell, because I’m sure it will be used in some form of ministry, let your hair down and begin to LIVE with your eyes and heart wide open to all of your new, beautiful possibilities.

: )