This year has been a year of death for me. The death of stability. The death of dreams. The death of confidence. The death of trust. The death of me. I have cried more than I could ever explain and begged the Lord to just kill me because I could never quite gets the guts up to do it myself. I have seen the bareness of my heart and have been washed over with currents of betrayal and grief. I have stared at the ceiling hoping to wake up from the nightmare that was now my life and gone to sleep praying to never see light again. The Reeper was after me and I no longer had the strength nor the will to fight him. This has been my year...
This year has also been a year of unfathomable love. Those closest to me have fought and prayed when I couldn't and often rebuked the prayers yelled out of despair. They loved me even when I couldn't smile and held me when I couldn't stand. They cried with me, laughed with me and walked through the desert beside me though they could have been strolling on grassy plains. They were...are a mirror to me of God's love, grace and mercy and no words will ever fully express my gratitude.
But even with the love they poured into my life, there is one that went over and beyond. One that still surpassed the very best of human support and comfort. One who was always able to speak directly to my heart and say exactly what I needed to hear.
Jesus.
I have never felt the love of Christ the way I have in this season. To know even though I felt all was lost, I'd never lost Him. That when I had no hope, He was my hope. When I had no more dreams for my future, He told me to dream of Him. When I couldn't mutter a word or dredge up a moan, He still said He understood. I am dang near falling apart just typing this becase He has been so faithful to me - To a sinful, weak, prideful, fallible person as myself, He still loved me...STILL LOVES ME. My knight in shining armor. My father. My friend. My rescuer. My hope.
I have not written anything, anywhere in months and I knew I needed to start writing again, that this would be an important addition to my healing. So I decided to skim through blog ideas that I'd noted a while back and came across this verse I'd found interesting but at the time had nothing in me to expound upon it...until now.
This is what I feel God has been speaking to me the last couple of months. Arise. My sweet baby girl, LIVE! Jesus has taken my hand and has called me out of the death that has surrounded and engulfed me. All control of my life was shattered and what I had left over I gave to the Lord and He took the bits and pieces left of me, grabbed my hand and spoke life back into the deflated heart that laid still in my chest.
Now I can breath and it's not out of my own strength but His. Now I can dream, not out of my own confidence but through His promises. Now I can smile again, not from the darkened and tattered heart I once had, but from the new one He has given me. It is a daily battle to hold fast to what God has spoken to me but I have decided to continue to trust God and move forward. He has kept me even beyond death and will continue to do so. I surrendered my life to Him and He gave me a better one back. Restored, renewed, healed and whole. I know I am not the same as I was yesterday and as painful as the journey has been I am grateful. I have learned more of who I TRULY am and seen a glimpse of the beauty of God. My heart is overwhelmed with joy and awe when I think of Him.
I never thought I'd say this but I agree with David (or Ezra, there is a debate on who wrote this) when he said:
I don't pretend to understand the process of this life...my life but I now believe without a shadow of a doubt that my life and all that surrounds it is in God's hands and my soul rests in that.
*word changed from is to past tense
*word changed from have been to past tense
