It’s the oddest thing to remember who you were and know who you are now. The polar differences you have in opinions, passions, goals…all different. To know what my insecurities used to be and where my confidence lies now. It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing myself but newer. Cleaner. Upgraded.
A few close friends and I went to the Woman Thou Art Loosed Conference in Dallas this past weekend and it was none short of amazing. Even with the hiccups and glitches we ran into, it did not minimize or extract from what God had already planned to do in us, for us and thru us. I believe one of the most profound comments for me personally was “You GRIEVE hard because you LOVE hard.” This statement made every emotional scar in my heart seal up and scar over. I just need to make sure not to pick at it and let it fully heal.
Let me explain.
What I mean by “Emotional Scar” is that all of the words that I have been struck with that caused me to believe I was “Too Emotional, Too Fiesty, Too Passionate,” seemed to fizzle into dust as my ears delivered that statement to my mind and my mind translated it to my heart. I am FREE. Free to love and trust again. Free to be me and expressive. Free to allow myself to feel, maybe even to cry and for those of you that know me, this in itself is a great victory.
You see, I am a woman of great Passion, of great emotion. I am passionate about my family. I am passionate about my friends. I am passionate about my dreams. I will one day be passionate about my husband and our family. I am passionate about my convictions and beliefs and I am even passionate about how I feel about my enemies (still working on this one). But the one I am most passionate about is my God. He has been the breath of life and the rush of blood through my veins to keep me alive when I thought I’d surely die.
I Love with great fervor and I can even hate with that same energy but I can assure you that I always fight just as hard to forgive and quickly feel defeated if there is any bitter residue left in my heart. I am a woman who loves to love people and for a time I HATED that very fact. I hated I cared for people. I hated I loved people. I hated that I would be so moved to pray for those that damaged me. I hated that God had even given me a heart. I fought the desire to express love, compassion and trust to all around me trying to change the person I knew I was inside. A quality I’d once admired about myself, and knew sat at the very core of me, had become like molten lava in my soul; burning and torturing me from the inside out.
Oh, but let me tell you Saints, BUT GOD! (that’s for my road trip girls! lol) Seriously though. Never did I see the day where I would be in a place that I would want to love, trust and care for those around me somuch stronger. That much more passionate. That much more without restraint. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life hating how God created me, the part of me that is probably most like him. Loving His people. It feels so much easier to breathe now. The air is thinner and my soul is lighter.
Am I still afraid that my heart will be ripped to shreds again? No, not afraid, more so making sure my feet are firmly planted in God so when I get hurt again, because I’m sure I will just like I’ll surely hurt someone myself, I will remember this moment. I'd forgotten how much joy it brought me to love those around me.
I am a LOVER and a FIGHTER.
