INCANDESCENT

     It’s the oddest thing to remember who you were and know who you are now. The polar differences you have in opinions, passions, goals…all different. To know what my insecurities used to be and where my confidence lies now. It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing myself but newer. Cleaner. Upgraded.

     A few close friends and I went to the Woman Thou Art Loosed Conference in Dallas this past weekend and it was none short of amazing. Even with the hiccups and glitches we ran into, it did not minimize or extract from what God had already planned to do in us, for us and thru us. I believe one of the most profound comments for me personally was “You GRIEVE hard because you LOVE hard.” This statement made every emotional scar in my heart seal up and scar over. I just need to make sure not to pick at it and let it fully heal.

Let me explain.

     What I mean by “Emotional Scar” is that all of the words that I have been struck with that caused me to believe I was “Too Emotional, Too Fiesty, Too Passionate,” seemed to fizzle into dust as my ears delivered that statement to my mind and my mind translated it to my heart. I am FREE. Free to love and trust again. Free to be me and expressive. Free to allow myself to feel, maybe even to cry and for those of you that know me, this in itself is a great victory.

     You see, I am a woman of great Passion, of great emotion. I am passionate about my family. I am passionate about my friends. I am passionate about my dreams. I will one day be passionate about my husband and our family. I am passionate about my convictions and beliefs and I am even passionate about how I feel about my enemies (still working on this one). But the one I am most passionate about is my God. He has been the breath of life and the rush of blood through my veins to keep me alive when I thought I’d surely die.

     I Love with great fervor and I can even hate with that same energy but I can assure you that I always fight just as hard to forgive and quickly feel defeated if there is any bitter residue left in my heart. I am a woman who loves to love people and for a time I HATED that very fact. I hated I cared for people. I hated I loved people. I hated that I would be so moved to pray for those that damaged me. I hated that God had even given me a heart. I fought the desire to express love, compassion and trust to all around me trying to change the person I knew I was inside. A quality I’d once admired about myself, and knew sat at the very core of me, had become like molten lava in my soul; burning and torturing me from the inside out.

     Oh, but let me tell you Saints, BUT GOD! (that’s for my road trip girls! lol) Seriously though. Never did I see the day where I would be in a place that I would want to love, trust and care for those around me somuch stronger. That much more passionate. That much more without restraint. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life hating how God created me, the part of me that is probably most like him. Loving His people. It feels so much easier to breathe now. The air is thinner and my soul is lighter.

     Am I still afraid that my heart will be ripped to shreds again? No, not afraid, more so making sure my feet are firmly planted in God so when I get hurt again, because I’m sure I will just like I’ll surely hurt someone myself, I will remember this moment. I'd forgotten how much joy it brought me to love those around me.

I am a LOVER and a FIGHTER.

     



       I often sit and think about all of the things I will never get to a chance to do or may never do again. I play over and over the movie of my life, picking out all of the places I wish I could edit/delete/re-cast. Moments I'd change. People I'd love better. Sentences I'd refrain from saying. Minutes, hours, days have gone into re-shaping, re-doing, re-living my past.


*sigh*

       Walking straight into my future and only seeing where I've come from. Blind to new opportunities, new friends, new foes, new memories, new mistakes, new successes and NEW LIFE.

        So much has changed. The sun is seemingly coming out to dry the drenched sidewalks of my heart; the areas wracked with drought have been nourished and restored by the torrential rain I thought would drown me. How different the sky looks, eyes up, clothes still soggy, hair still wet, watching the last straggling clouds move away from this season of my life. I thought all was lost but in fact, nothing has been taken away aside of all that was necessary. I've only gained.

       You see, I learned how to function in strange, unpredictable weather. Even find joy dancing in the rain but what I've come to realize is that I have forgotten how it feels to let the warmth of the sun blanket over my face, my body, my soul. I have found myself retreating to dark shadows like a vampire afraid of the sun because it feels so foreign to me. It scares me. To relish in peace is uneasy. To be filled with joy, happiness, excitement is a battle. Not to obtain it but to accept it. One of my best friends told me to "stop being afraid of good things." and it has stuck with me for months. I never considered fear hindering me in this manner. The fear of walking into a life God said he would give me and he actually came through. I shouldn't be surprised, He always does, yet I always am.

       So today, July 28, 2011, I am turning away from my past, not forgetting but finally seeing my future, my life restored, my promises revealed. What a slap in the face it would be to God if I were to do nothing with all he has done in me, for me, through me and with me. Lord help me not to waste anymore time. Teach me to walk in your joy and the miracle you've given me just as you taught me to walk in your strength and mercy. I hear you calling me out and in fear and trembling, here I come.

      

      Ok, so one morning I was listening to Joyce and she was talking about Love, you know how to love and making a point to love your neighbor and I thought to myself, “God teach me how to love” and almost fell apart. Reason being is that I feel like I haven’t really been making a point to LOVE people. These days I find myself opposite of a loving "neighbor." I'm moreso the tantrum-ridden kid in the pic when it comes to dealing with people. The scriptural definition is:

         I feel like I have stopped loving people. That my “love” has become a habit, no longer fresh on a daily basis. I hope this makes sense. As well as I have closed myself off to loving new people. My definition of love looking at my actions, thoughts, motives, heart is not the definition above. Mine reads as:

          This was my morning reality check and I am thankful because now HOW I love can be redefined. So many people hurt those around them because their definition of love has been skewed. We tend to love through our past which includes the good, the bad and the ugly, as opposed to learning to love through the mirror of God's love for us. We love with "untils" instead of with "even if's." I want to be a woman who will love "Even If" you don't love me back. "Even if" you lie to me. "Even if" you hurt me. "Even if" you abandoned me. "Even if" you hate me. I want to love YOU the way God loves me, the way I'm supposed to love myself.

        I know it will be difficult at times but its better to work toward perfection than it is to stay in mediocrity.

             I heard this song in the background of a random show I was watching while home sick today from my stomach flipping out due to a major anxiety attack I had at work and I had the thought to revisit the lyrics of this song. I started to imagine God speaking these very words to me, to my heart, to my insecurities and fears, doubts and weariness. In my mind, I can see God doing all that the song implies. Embracing me, doing all he can to comfort me and protect me, support and provide for me but there is one thing that keeps coming up in my mind:


             Will I...am I allowing God to give me a warm embrace or am I kicking and screaming in his arms like a child that just cut her knee? Unconsoleable and angry at the ground that hurt me. When I sit alone and cry at night, am I even looking at Him so that he can dry my tears? *sigh*

             So often I see God the way I see man, untrustworthy, ready and willing to laugh at my pain and count me out if I don't fit their plan or opinion. God is saying I belong and that I can trust Him and its so hard to hear in a world where we strive to be accepted and disappointment is prevalent. He's done so much to show me He loves me and not just tell me. He went hungry, thirsty, was beaten black and blue, crawled down an "avenue" to declare his love for me.

            Knowing all that was just stated, why is it so hard to receive the love? God's "love." God's "good." My friend Marie said to me today, "Stop being scared of good things." It's true. I'm scared of good things...terrified of good, profitable, blessed moments, people, and opportunities. I know how to function in the pit but not on the mountain peak. Hell, I have a hard time enjoying the plateaus.

            All this to say, I'm learning. As uncomfortable and skittish this new process makes me, and OH IT DOES, being able to fully relish in the joy of the Lord and not just in his strength and mercy is the new season I'm in.

Dear Jesus,


My past keeps having my heart for dinner and I don't know how to take it off of the menu. I'm having a hard time loving my neighbor. I don't quite understand turning the other cheek. How do I place my cares at your feet because I somehow keep ending up with it in my hands? Was forgiveness this hard for you too or is it just me? When will it be my turn? What am I doing with my life (I'd like to know this before my turn comes)? I would rather just not care but that is more than likely not in yours plans for me, so what do I do with my emotions in the meantime?

Do you like marshmellows and mustard too? Do you like the FOOTPRINTS poem? I do. Can I flip over a table like you did and not get in trouble for it? Everything that is overwhelming me at this moment, is this your yoke or mine? If mine, how do I get yours again? I need you to teach me to think like you. I need you to tell me I'm not a reject. I need you to teach me how to keep my joy. I need to know you more. Help me to believe what you say about me. I so desperately need my FATHER to sit with me and tell me everything will be ok. That my life is for a reason and no time has been wasted. I mean seriously God, did you know that I would be this bizarre when you made me? I can't see how you are never surprised...I'm ALWAYS surprised. Which of the qualities about me reminds you the most of yourself? You made me in your likeness and image...there has to be at least one!

Jesus, I'm quite frustrated. I know you've already been clued in. Please help.


Love You Forever,
Candace