INCANDESCENT

                               

 I’m sure many of you are thinking “her blog has turned into the ranting of a lunatic” but please hear me out. What does this title have to do with me?

Let me give you some history.

     About 6 or 7 years ago, when I first moved here, there was a “person” that I looked up to and held in high regard and one day after church, in the midst of a group of us, “they” looked at me and said “you need to lose some weight,” and proceeded to comment based off of the outfit I had on. At the time I weighed about 110-112lbs, same as I am now. I remember what I was wearing - a v-necked, fitted black dress shirt and black pants and the shirt had a tendency to roll up at the bottom because it was made out of this weird, funky material but was still cute. I guess this made it look as if I was “causing” the shirt to roll up and that gave “them” the freedom to state their view of my frame. I don’t think I wore that shirt ever again…I couldn’t even tell you where it is.

     From that point on, I developed very severe body issues. I began to buy my clothes about a size or two too big because in my mind everything needed to be looser to fit. I stopped wearing dresses, skirts, anything that was seemingly “fitting.” And I would compare myself to every woman that I saw that looked to be the perfect size…which I was not. If around my friends or even in a room of strangers, I would feel like everyone was judging what I had on and that they would whisper, “There’s the fat girl. Look at her. Look at her clothes. Ugh!”

     I know you may think this is ridiculous because I know I am small, I always have been, but it’s so very real to me. Have I had any eating disorders because of it? No, not really, I love to eat too much, lol, but I have suffered a great deal because of it and though I’ve come a great deal away from that particular insecurity, I still have bouts of feeling that my size, my frame, is appalling to people and I internally shut down.

     What brought this all up? The small group I’m in is doing a study on Insecurity – FUN – and I feel like I am the most insecure person in the group which makes it extremely hard to participate. I often have comments, I’m sure you’re not surprised, but to speak amongst these beautiful, smart, educated women sends me into silent mode and I will mostly respond to the questions only in my head. With that being said, this study has made me the most sensitive and self-aware I think I’ve been in a long time if not ever. It has been a struggle to even write down the “roots” of the insecurities I have, let alone speak it aloud. Why? Because it is forcing me to relive the moments that so stained my heart and it’s painful and the emotion of it all is leaking into every other part of my life to where I feel insecure about dang near everything. I guess that would make sense if the roots of this has travelled to those areas.

The point?

     I got issues man! Lol…naw but seriously, it makes me think of how easy it is to push down insecurities or cover them over with something else until it no longer looks like an insecurity. Until the day God makes you face the seed, the tree and no longer the branches. I used to pray often that God would miraculously make me confident. That I wouldn’t feel so small (no pun intended) around others. I didn’t consider that the uprooting of this Mammoth sized tree in my heart would be painful and this is only ONE and nowhere near as large as the others (so I think).

     We have no idea how much long term damage our words can do to people. I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of it even if no one wants to admit it, but we have to learn to bridle our tongues, pass our thoughts and potential words by the Holy Spirit and let him fix as necessary before they’re let loose to the public, myself especially, because we never really know if someone is now (in) counseling, rehab, depression, self-destructive, denial or suicidal years later because of something we carelessly said years ago.

“Life and death is in the power of the tongue and those who love to talk will eat their own words. ~ Prov. 18:21”

     ...and I don’t believe this scripture was only meant to be made personal as far as speaking over yourself. I think it was also to help us keep in mind what we say to each other - you can help grow or help kill those around you. As we speak life over ourselves, try to be mindful to always speak life over and into others. What kinds of fruit are you helping others grow? Does the seed that you helped plant in someone’s heart need to be plucked out or uprooted or is the fruit that it’s bearing helping to nourish the person to thrive in the Kingdom and in all they are as a person? This can be difficult at times, especially if you are emotions-driven and feisty like myself, but it is now at the forefront of my mind and I thought it good to help bring it to the forefront of yours.

                      

     Do you remember the game "Mother, May I?" The premise of the game is you stand about 20 feet away from the "mother," she gives you permission to do something, you respond with "Mother, may I?" and in turn you are allowed to move forward. The first to reach the mother wins. Where am I going with this?

Glad you asked.

     The Facebook phenomenom is starting to get to me. Mind you, I appreciate the updates, ability to stay in touch with people and just the fun of sharing silly quotes, pics and comments together BUT what I do not like is that some people do not take things as official or deem it as important if it's not announced, published, updated, or posted on Facebook. Why is that? Why does it have to be on FB to be real? My constant response to these comments or inquiries is that Facebook does not rule my life. Am I an avid FB user? Yes. I love being on this particular social network and the hilarious comaraderie that takes place amongst my friends, especially during a redundant or aggravating work day but the constant "Why didn't you put it on FB?" or "Oh, so it must not be...like...good or serious..." or "You're like inconspicuous. Why aren't there more pictures?" Initially, my feelings were hurt because it made me feel as if I'd done something wrong, judged even... especially by those I thought knew me better than that and should know I never do or not do anything without good reason, now it's just irritating.

Sigh...

     I do not feel I have to ask FB, persay, to legitamize what's important to me. There is no need to be suspicious of what I'm doing if I don't throw my entire life on the internet. I think I'm an extremely open person, sometimes waaaaaay too open, but some things that I hold dear to my heart, you may just not know about until I'm ready to share it with you...in my own timing...in my own way. I promise it's nothing against anyone as a person, I'm just not necessarily one to always follow the trends. Maybe I'm just rebelling against technology, I don't know, lol, but it's my choice as much as it is yours.

     So the next time someone makes a similiar remark, please do not be surprised if I stare blankly at you, smile and give you the SAME response I've been having to give to so many others...

Facebook does not define my life.

                                  


     Have you ever met someone you wish you hadn’t or gone to an event where someone made you feel like you were the stranger amongst strangers and you thought to yourself “I wish I could poof myself right out of this room, into my car and away from these people?” Well, this is my venting about such an event. A friend of mine, Rick, had that happen to him and it was infuriating and disheartening to hear.

     Let me just say, first off, that I am a stickler for communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t beat around the bush or give me hints, just tell me. Tell me exactly what I should expect at an event so I don’t wind up internally burying myself, raging and/or sobbing. Be mindful of how you say things to me, intonations and such. Don’t leave out words and assume I’m going to fill it in for you because likely, I will not since that will cause me to have to assume and that will always end in flames. Be mindful of how you introduce you and your personality to me, especially if you’re…

BLUNT (you are always straight forward),

FIERY (you are always straight forward and you’re sarcastic),

SEASONED with REASON (those that are of the “wiser” age and feel they don’t have to explain anything to the “wiper-snappers” and have earned their place to say/ask/do what they want) or

POPULAR (you’re so comfortable with everyone else there that you don’t consider someone else could be uncomfortable) because these types of people can make new-comers feel awkward, picked on and called out as opposed to accepted, welcomed and drawn in.

     Mind you, not all of us are naturally hospitable people or immediately open to welcoming Newbies into our lives. My friends, my besties, help me with this ALL OF THE TIME because I am the “fiery” one I listed earlier. If you don’t know if you’re one of these “types,” please ask a friend to be honest with you and tell you if you word things in a way that can be offensive or off-putting – not necessarily that the question or statement itself is offensive or off-putting. Hope that makes sense. Please ask them to point out how you could have re-worded a question and/or comment to ensure that all parties leave wanting to come back as opposed to praying God never makes them return.

     Now we all know I hate meet and greet’s and get-to-know-you-anything’s and to hear about this just furthered my angst with going into environments where the majority of the people are strangers and I have to deal with the “who are you?” questions because how these questions are presented can sometimes pull a response out of me you weren’t expecting because I immediately felt attacked or offended or just plain made uncomfortable…and I can do this while smiling. And btw…try not to insult the person by making a joke about they’re life or the information you’ve just acquired…that is NEVER the way to go, especially if you’re trying to potentially gain a friend. First impressions are sometimes all you have. And timing is everything!! Please don’t pull in all lasers to one person, unexpectedly, and think they will just blossom and light-up under the blaring red light you’ve just thrown them beneath. Try to keep intro’s and inquiries as natural as possible.

     Yes, yes, we need people in our lives and not every part of working our ways into society will be comfortable or even pleasant BUT this can be an avoided wound, depending on the person on the receiving end of you talking, an avoided anxiety attack, and an avoided reason to be a hermit. Most of the people that I had a rough “beginning” with, we’re cool now but there are some people that EVERY TIME I’m around them, they say or do something ridiculous that further approves of my running in the opposite direction when I see them. I know most peope mean no harm by it but it can still affect me...us...you. I’m sure I could be one of those people for someone else and if so, I apologize, but I’m learning from it and remain open to growing in that area.

Sigh…

I’m just sayin’…

*Awkward Girl Now Stepping Off Of Her Soap Box…*

     I’ve had this Jason Upton song, FLY, on repeat all morning and I realize that my soul is craving an outpouring of God’s spirit…His hand…His touch and not just for me but also for those around me. Corporate prayer. Corporate miracles. Corporate breakthrough. Corporate repenting.


     My heart longs to see His people free. Free to fly, to soar, to breathe, to dream, to have joy, to be whole. I feel everything in me wanting to run and shout “Listen! There is a GREAT GOD who loves you! Who will forgive you, heal you, restore you, make you whole and turn your life around. There is a man, named Jesus that died for us and took every sin known and unknown to man upon His shoulders and died the death we should have so we may live the life HE should have. Conquered death and is ALIVE with all power in his hands. There is a purpose for our life. It’s never too late or too much for God.”

     I know we should not live only for the moments when God reveals himself in a tangible manner. You know… the fog descending or everyone being “slain in the spirit” but I don’t believe it is wrong to want to see Him manifest himself this way. It sometimes feels as if the days of being in church and being so engulfed in worship and praising our Lord that we never get to the sermon are behind us or forgotten or just doesn’t fit in the schedule. That corporate outcry and surrender is Taboo and schedules must be kept to get God’s message across as opposed to just sitting in God. Do people still get together outside of church to worship and pray together anymore or must we wait until we are cued on Sunday morning to stand, stretch and yawn and stare at the stage waiting for the Team to put us in the mood to worship God? Do we only wait to fill up on Sunday morning once worship has taken place and a great word has been given or do we come with something to give as well? Yes, there is a time and a place for all of this, for our God is a God of order but he is also a non-conventional, out-of-the-box, beyond our understanding God and we must always leave room to allow Him to amaze us and even throw off our schedules…as uncomfortable as that can make us…INCLUDING MYSELF. There was such a sweet moment...peaceful moment at the Gungor concert I went to last week and it was a great reminder that it's ok to not stick to the "plan" and run with whatever idea the Holy Spirit has placed in your heart. It wasn't planned, slightly awkward but amazingly powerful.

     I pray that we come back to the Heart of worship - whatever worship looks like for you. That we will refocus our lives on JESUS and not on our families, work, problems, etc. though these things are also of great importance. That our loved ones will get an overflow of our time with God. An overflow of love, energy, patience, understanding, wisdom, laughter…We must get back to a place where all of our needs are met in Christ and that we are open to God using us to bless one another, help one another, pray for one another. There should not be a need among us and yet it seems we all have a need that someone else could probably meet if they were willing, be it money, babysitting, compassion, food, shelter, etc. I want to get back to James 5:14-15 - “Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.”

     We need our Prayer Warriors back. Our Prophets back. Our Encouragers back. Our Teachers back. Our Leaders back. Our Fathers and Mothers back. Our Husbands and our Wives back. Our Children back. Our Brothers and Sisters back.

     I call you out…I call US out. To step up to the Call. To come out of the cowering darkness. To raise our chins and lift our eyes to look ahead and not behind us. We must go! We must answer the call with knocking knees and trembling hearts and speak with stammering words but nonetheless, GO!

     Lord, hear my prayer, hear our prayers, that you would give us the courage to love, follow and proclaim you OUTLOUD. That YOU in us will ring louder than the world around us. - Amen