INCANDESCENT

Intense. Radiant. Brilliant. Expressive.

12:01 PM

Graveyard Shift...

Posted by Candace |


     Sometimes I feel like I’m walking through a city full of landmines. A city where every corner has a memory and every street has a person I’d rather avoid, waiting for me to walk smack into it and blow up all resolve that I have or at least thought I had. Austin has become a place where a lot of amazing experiences have turned into tortuous memories. A place of hollow words and broken promises. A place of being so close to a dream and at the same time being so far away. It’s like looking out at your Promised Land through the path of a graveyard.

     This makes me want to run and run quick. Move away, to a different state on the opposite side of the world, perhaps even a different country, and shut down all but necessary communication i.e have a good and basic international phone plan where I can stay in minimal contact with close friends and family. This actually isn’t far from my normal process of retreating or running. I don’t think I really realized that until my mom pointed it out. I tend to completely cut people out of my life when I’ve been hurt. I shut down all communication, contact, get rid of everything that holds any form of memory and I head in the opposite direction as if the people never existed and I make a point to vanish just the same. I know I was headed in that direction the day I talked to my mom and she pretty much told me I better not do that, lol. Gotta love your mama! And it is taking all I have in me not to disappear from the world. Not to “chunk deuce…chuck deuce…??” and do the same thing all over again…or actually finish the process of that which I’d started a couple of years back.

     Now, do I actually want to move? Yes! Lol…but not for the right reasons. Ok…wait…no, no, I don’t want to move, I just don’t want to live here. I don’t want to be in this current “state” of being or feel as if I have to face a constant, daily reminder of so many of my disappointments in life. The truth is some of those that I love the most and are the closest to are also connected to some of the people that have hurt me the most and that is a hard pill to swallow. I know, cry me a river, right?! Well, it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to! Lol…but seriously, it’s just something I realize I will have to continue to fight to get over because I’m just not willing to give up my friendships regardless of how difficult it can be. I guess that means I’m not moving…sigh. Well, at least not out of Texas just yet but that doesn’t mean I have to stop moving forward.

     God is allowing me the opportunity to truly bury the “skeletons” in my closet…the zombies that continue to follow me around and gnaw on my thoughts and try to kill the future that they know do not include them. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m standing in the midst of a graveyard. I need to stop lollygagging around dead things, things that are not life giving. I need to stop dwelling on the past and using it as an excuse to not walk into my future, my promised land. I need to stop playing over conversations and decisions that continuously cause me to regress into what I do not want to be…doing what I do not want to do. Now I think I better understand Romans 7:15:

”I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. ~NLT”

    Trust me when I say I do not wake up every morning wanting to live in the past and respond to my future through the hurts and disappointments of what has happened to me. I do not want to treat my friends and family like they’re all trying to basically murder me. I do not want to categorize everyone into the “don’t trust” pile. I do not want to snap at those that love me because they’re getting too close. I do not want to shy away from great opportunities because I’m afraid that I will invest too much and it will in turn fall apart or be taken away. I do not want to live this gift of life that God has given to me scared to take risks and love and stand out and trust and be different and be vulnerable and yet I so often do the very thing I do not want to do.

      So, how do I conquer this? How do I “let the dead bury the dead” per say and LIVE even when I have to walk through the valley? I have to re-focus. Re-focus again and again and again on God and his promises and his love for me AS WELL AS follow Philippians 4:8:

"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ~NLT”

      When I find myself sulking on the shoulda-coulda-woulda’s, I will have to make the effort to re-focus on all of the blessings God has given me and the love he continues to show me. Thank God for his promises and provision even BEFORE I see any of it come to pass. Eventually, it will become easier to believe what the Lord says as opposed to what your fears and past say. It will be easier to hope in the midst of trial and just processing life. It will be easier to fully depend on the Lord and your flesh will become trained to lean towards the Lord more often and produce the responses you want to actually have.

     All of this is not easy and I'm sure in my attempt to live this out, I will cry and make mistakes and even forget what God has said and find myself sulking again but as long as God continues to remind me to re-focus, which thankfully he has been so faithful to do, I will continue to wipe my tears and wash my face and try again. And through the strength of our Lord, this process will become a healthy habit that produces amazing fruit and amazing joy in my life. ; )

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12:06 AM

Perfectly Imperfect

Posted by Candace |

  

    For two days my chest has felt as if someone were standing on it. The weight of the want for retribution and the joy of recent revelations have been both encouraging and enraging. To be in a place to where I get to digest the fact that I did not deserve to be treated the way I had been nor is there anything wrong with me is bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that I realize that there is nothing about me that needs to be changed. Not in a prideful "I don't need to continue to grow and learn" way but "God has formed me and fashioned me in such a way that he did not make any mistakes." The bitter side of this is because I, for so long, felt "less than perfect and de-valued," that I have spent a large amount of time trying to change who I am to fit what I felt others wanted or what others determined I should be. I allowed people to come into my life and put me into the box of their own pre-conceived notions and ideas and I've felt internally trapped. I have bowed to people comparing me to their idea of "perfection" and when I do not...can not live up to those standards, I am, in turn, considered to be less valuable - this, of course, is my perception. You must know that I will always fail next to perfection - whether your ideal or the actual definition of the word.

I am not perfect.

     Never will be. I could very well be the most imperfect person in the world, have the darkest past and loftiest faults but I am learning that that's not such a bad thing. How can I say that? Because with all that has happened to me, I am able to look at my life, at my past, at my failures and see where God's mighty hand was perfectly interweaving the beautiful threads of grace, forgiveness, mercy and unbelievable healing. Are there areas of my life that need improving and continuous revelation and guidance? Of course! But I never again want to spend countless hours, days, months or years trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me - why was I not picked, not listened to, not noticed. I never again want to feel like I'm not important enough for someone to treat me with respect and courtesy. I never again want to intentionally pick myself apart and alter who I am as a person to figure out how to have someone accept me. I never again want to be sorry for being me.

     You see, without my imperfections, un-desirable past, I would not have the incredible story of redemption and restoration that I have. I would not have the intimate relationship with God that I do . I would not have such solid friendships. I would not know the strength that I have to persevere through un-believable circumstances. I would not be able to continuously decide to move forward regardless the difficulty. I would not have the anointing and ability to speak into so many peoples lives with power and conviction without experiencing within myself, my personal circumstances, God's faithfulness.

      God has taken such a flawed story and is turning it into a perfect testimony. Yes, parts of my story have already been completed, perfected, but as far as my life as a whole, there is so much more that is in store for me and I am beginning to look forward to experiencing it as myself, and not as the imposter I was morphing into. I pray that in this walk, this journey, I will not lose myself in the thoughts of others or the fears of my heart but that I will enjoy being who I am.

Perfectly Imperfect.

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8:21 PM

?

Posted by Candace |



     I have been mulling over and over in my head the events of these last two months…well actually this past year and trying to figure out how I feel about all of it and I am still at a loss. I feel like I’ve just had the wind knocked right out of me, kind of how it is after someone has gut-punched you and I am having a hell of a time recovering. Every day for the past few months I have had extreme highs and extreme lows and have cried, it seems, non-stop. I do not know how to get out of this place but I do know I don’t like it and it’s severely painful.

          I have never felt so exposed and uncovered I think in all my life. As if I have been completely stripped of my clothes and placed out in the middle of a field scrambling to find some sort of cover, some form of safety, some place of refuge. As much as I try to fight for joy and hope and strength to keep my heart from feeling as if it’s been shredded from the inside out, I fail. Even as I write this, and attempt to find some form of release from feeling like an emotional stuffed turkey, tears are streaming down my cheeks, down the same worn path from the night before.
         Clearly, I’m hurting but Lord knows it’s not my desire to stay here, but this hole seems deeper than the last and I can’t seem to climb my way out of it. I’ve heard the saying that tears are the water that promises tomorrow’s harvest but in my case, I hope the flood it causes in this claustrophobic hole I’m in will be kind enough to allow me to float to the top and breathe as opposed to totally overtaking me until I drown. This is all so ridiculously dramatic, I know, but it’s how I feel and writing gives me a form of reprieve.

        I must say, in all of this, in the middle of the mess of my emotions, confusion, anger and fears, God has been faithful in giving me sweet reminders throughout my days of how much he loves me and how he sees me. He keeps saying to trust him and EVERY TIME I hear that word I shudder and weep.

How can I do it??? How can He expect me to trust him in this moment???

        And I immediately thought of Fair-Weather trust, which probably wasn’t my thought at all, lol. No one wants a fair-weather friend, right, so I’m sure God does not want a fair-weather believer. Oh, how easy it is to trust God when all is well. When there is not necessarily a “need” to trust or believe or hope for anything. It is always easy to love and trust God when all is going according to our plans but it is when the wind begins to blow in a manner that foretells of a storm that I/we should be ready and willing to trust him. We should set our face like flint and charge the storm with faith and courage knowing that we are completely protected in the middle of something that would normally fill our hearts with fear and not allow the torrential rain, inconsiderate wind and menacing lightening to batter us until we retreat, whimpering and defeated with our tail between our legs. So much easier said than done.

       Why do we run from challenges? Why do we run from difficulties?
Why do we run from what could be a great blessing???

       It’s fear, that’s why! Fear of our past, fear in our present circumstances and fear of our future. I do it ALL THE TIME and I HATE IT! Oh, and don’t let me already be overwhelmed and then something else pop up that I really have no mental capacity to deal with because I will immediately pitch a fit. I cry and scream and say how much I can’t do this, don’t want to do this and it’s physically impossible to deal with this, all the whilst playing the why me, this is why I don’t trust people , don’t wanna love people and I don’t like people cards. I complain about how much I don’t want to love people because they keep hurting me and then complain about people not loving me - being completely selfish and inconsiderate of the fact that just maybe they feel the exact same way I do. I can’t say that I know precisely why I/people do the things I/they do or respond in the ways that I/they do or cower back when I/they should take courage but I do know that though the circumstances may be different, the results are often the same. We all hurt those we love in some way or another, we all run, whether on purpose or not, and each time that happens there is a choice to be made.
Do I continue to love in spite of the pain?
Do I continue to hope in spite of how it looks?
Do I continue to believe what God says/has done in spite of what people say/believe to be true?

      This is where I am and I can’t say that I have decided on the answer though I know what it should be. Hopefully beyond the pain (I guess I have a bit of hope leftover after all, ay?) or maybe even before then, who knows, I will be able to clearly and boldly proclaim that...
   “I am no longer afraid to love because a very large part of me was specifically made to love people with all of my heart.
 I am no longer afraid to hope for the desires of my heart and for someone who will love me unconditionally.
I am no longer afraid to trust and trust again even after it’s been broken.
I am no longer running from the amazing calling on my life but running towards ALL that my sweet, loving and gracious God has for me.”
     There is a season and a time for everything and this season has been one of uprooting, breaking up and fertilizing the soil of all that I am and I look forward to the sweet fruit that my bitter tears will eventually bring me.

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3:41 PM

love???

Posted by Candace |


     Have you ever made up in your mind that you will never love again? That you will never allow another person into your heart as long as you live? That no man or woman will ever have the ability to hurt you with the words they say or by their actions? I have and it was a success, per say, for a time.

     How can I claim something that goes against the very thing God calls us to do a success? To fully rebel against the most important commandment from 1 Peter 4:8? “Love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (NIV)” It’s simple. Because loving people deeply hurts. And not just fall-and-scrape-your-knee hurt. I’m talking gouge-your-eye-out-puncturing-your-soul hurt. At least that is how it feels to me.

“Loving someone makes you feel hurt that severely?” you ask.

     Uh…yes, lol. You see I have always had a large heart, I guess you could say. I’ve never been one to allow someone partially in or love a friend/family member up to a certain point. As much as I’ve tried over the years, to match what I’ve received or put a limit on it, I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to love someone with part of my heart or only share part of my life. When I give my heart, my friendship, I give it wholly. Up until a few years back, I didn’t mind this attribute about myself so much. Even with the hurt and rejection of random friends/family/strangers, I would cry, shake it off, move around and get to loving again. Honestly, I loved the thought of loving people and loved the act of loving people. I think I even took a bit of pride in it. It was something that never ceased to fill my soul.

That was then.

     That was before a few years ago. Then all hell broke loose and my heart was sent into overload with all the things that it could possibly stand until only a heartbeat was left. Just the frantic red line that mirrored the rhythm of my heart and the constant movement of my eyes was the only sign of life I had left over. I laughed hallowed laughter, I smiled with only my lips and I cried until I was sick. I’d become a shell of what I used to be. If it weren’t for friends and family jump starting my heart, my life, every day with how they loved and encouraged me, I would still walk around emotionless, empty. They are the ones that loved me awake (of course Jesus was a vital part in this) and I am grateful but during that time I learned to live off of their love for others, not my own. I’d been too afraid to love again. To let anyone in again. To allow myself to be me again. To feel without someone coaching me to do so. At some point I’d have to make the decision to love again.

This is where I am now.

     I decided about a year and a half ago to allow myself the joy of loving people again. To allow myself to gain new friendships and open up to those I’ve let into my life. The issue I have, why the pain is so great, is because there are so many instances where things look as if it will go down that same horrid path, not that it has or is, just looks like it, and I revert. I panic and go back on my word. I yell to God “Close me back up! I don’t want to love! I’m afraid! They will hurt me and I don’t think I could survive it this time!” And do you know what He says to me every time? “Trust me.” Two words that send me to my knees. One word that causes me to almost immediately retreat – trust.

     I am learning to trust God with my heart and trust that those who have my heart are getting it through Him first. Instead of me loving people through myself, my strength, my ability, I must instead love people through God, his strength, his ability. That when I get hurt, just like I know I will likely hurt others, the arrow will not directly hit my heart, but there will be a Guard there. A Protector who will determine what gets through to me, to my heart, and to what degree. In this, in His strength, I am able and willing to follow his commandment again and love deeply…only this time without fear and without pride. This is my prayer.

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