I have been mulling over and over in my head the events of these last two months…well actually this past year and trying to figure out how I feel about all of it and I am still at a loss. I feel like I’ve just had the wind knocked right out of me, kind of how it is after someone has gut-punched you and I am having a hell of a time recovering. Every day for the past few months I have had extreme highs and extreme lows and have cried, it seems, non-stop. I do not know how to get out of this place but I do know I don’t like it and it’s severely painful.
I have never felt so exposed and uncovered I think in all my
life. As if I have been completely stripped of my clothes and placed out in the
middle of a field scrambling to find some sort of cover, some form of safety,
some place of refuge. As much as I try to fight for joy and hope and strength
to keep my heart from feeling as if it’s been shredded from the inside out, I
fail. Even as I write this, and attempt to find some form of release from
feeling like an emotional stuffed turkey, tears are streaming down my cheeks, down the same worn path from the night before.
Clearly, I’m hurting but Lord knows it’s not my desire to
stay here, but this hole seems deeper than the last and I can’t seem to climb
my way out of it. I’ve heard the saying that tears are the water that promises
tomorrow’s harvest but in my case, I hope the flood it causes in this
claustrophobic hole I’m in will be kind enough to allow me to float to the top
and breathe as opposed to totally
overtaking me until I drown. This is all so ridiculously dramatic, I know, but
it’s how I feel and writing gives me a form of reprieve. I must say, in all of this, in the middle of the mess of my emotions, confusion, anger and fears, God has been faithful in giving me sweet reminders throughout my days of how much he loves me and how he sees me. He keeps saying to trust him and EVERY TIME I hear that word I shudder and weep.
How
can I do it??? How can He expect me to trust him in this moment???
And I immediately thought of Fair-Weather trust, which probably wasn’t my thought at all, lol. No one wants a fair-weather friend, right, so I’m sure God does not want a fair-weather believer. Oh, how easy it is to trust God when all is well. When there is not necessarily a “need” to trust or believe or hope for anything. It is always easy to love and trust God when all is going according to our plans but it is when the wind begins to blow in a manner that foretells of a storm that I/we should be ready and willing to trust him. We should set our face like flint and charge the storm with faith and courage knowing that we are completely protected in the middle of something that would normally fill our hearts with fear and not allow the torrential rain, inconsiderate wind and menacing lightening to batter us until we retreat, whimpering and defeated with our tail between our legs. So much easier said than done.
Why do we run from challenges? Why do we run from
difficulties?
Why do we run from what could be a great blessing???
It’s fear, that’s why! Fear of our past, fear in our present circumstances and fear of our future. I do it ALL THE TIME and I HATE IT! Oh, and don’t let me already be overwhelmed and then something else pop up that I really have no mental capacity to deal with because I will immediately pitch a fit. I cry and scream and say how much I can’t do this, don’t want to do this and it’s physically impossible to deal with this, all the whilst playing the why me, this is why I don’t trust people , don’t wanna love people and I don’t like people cards. I complain about how much I don’t want to love people because they keep hurting me and then complain about people not loving me - being completely selfish and inconsiderate of the fact that just maybe they feel the exact same way I do. I can’t say that I know precisely why I/people do the things I/they do or respond in the ways that I/they do or cower back when I/they should take courage but I do know that though the circumstances may be different, the results are often the same. We all hurt those we love in some way or another, we all run, whether on purpose or not, and each time that happens there is a choice to be made.
Do I
continue to love in spite of the pain?
Do I continue to hope in spite of
how it looks?
Do I continue to believe what God says/has done in spite of what
people say/believe to be true?
This is where I am and I can’t say that I have decided on the answer though I know what it should be. Hopefully beyond the pain (I guess I have a bit of hope leftover after all, ay?) or maybe even before then, who knows, I will be able to clearly and boldly proclaim that...
“I
am no longer afraid to love because a very large part of me was specifically made
to love people with all of my heart.
I am no longer afraid to hope for the
desires of my heart and for someone who will love me unconditionally.
I am no
longer afraid to trust and trust again even after it’s been broken.
I am no
longer running from the amazing calling on my life but running towards ALL that
my sweet, loving and gracious God has for me.”
There is a season and a time for
everything and this season has been one of uprooting, breaking up and
fertilizing the soil of all that I am and I look forward to the sweet fruit
that my bitter tears will eventually bring me.
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