INCANDESCENT

     



       I often sit and think about all of the things I will never get to a chance to do or may never do again. I play over and over the movie of my life, picking out all of the places I wish I could edit/delete/re-cast. Moments I'd change. People I'd love better. Sentences I'd refrain from saying. Minutes, hours, days have gone into re-shaping, re-doing, re-living my past.


*sigh*

       Walking straight into my future and only seeing where I've come from. Blind to new opportunities, new friends, new foes, new memories, new mistakes, new successes and NEW LIFE.

        So much has changed. The sun is seemingly coming out to dry the drenched sidewalks of my heart; the areas wracked with drought have been nourished and restored by the torrential rain I thought would drown me. How different the sky looks, eyes up, clothes still soggy, hair still wet, watching the last straggling clouds move away from this season of my life. I thought all was lost but in fact, nothing has been taken away aside of all that was necessary. I've only gained.

       You see, I learned how to function in strange, unpredictable weather. Even find joy dancing in the rain but what I've come to realize is that I have forgotten how it feels to let the warmth of the sun blanket over my face, my body, my soul. I have found myself retreating to dark shadows like a vampire afraid of the sun because it feels so foreign to me. It scares me. To relish in peace is uneasy. To be filled with joy, happiness, excitement is a battle. Not to obtain it but to accept it. One of my best friends told me to "stop being afraid of good things." and it has stuck with me for months. I never considered fear hindering me in this manner. The fear of walking into a life God said he would give me and he actually came through. I shouldn't be surprised, He always does, yet I always am.

       So today, July 28, 2011, I am turning away from my past, not forgetting but finally seeing my future, my life restored, my promises revealed. What a slap in the face it would be to God if I were to do nothing with all he has done in me, for me, through me and with me. Lord help me not to waste anymore time. Teach me to walk in your joy and the miracle you've given me just as you taught me to walk in your strength and mercy. I hear you calling me out and in fear and trembling, here I come.

      

      Ok, so one morning I was listening to Joyce and she was talking about Love, you know how to love and making a point to love your neighbor and I thought to myself, “God teach me how to love” and almost fell apart. Reason being is that I feel like I haven’t really been making a point to LOVE people. These days I find myself opposite of a loving "neighbor." I'm moreso the tantrum-ridden kid in the pic when it comes to dealing with people. The scriptural definition is:

         I feel like I have stopped loving people. That my “love” has become a habit, no longer fresh on a daily basis. I hope this makes sense. As well as I have closed myself off to loving new people. My definition of love looking at my actions, thoughts, motives, heart is not the definition above. Mine reads as:

          This was my morning reality check and I am thankful because now HOW I love can be redefined. So many people hurt those around them because their definition of love has been skewed. We tend to love through our past which includes the good, the bad and the ugly, as opposed to learning to love through the mirror of God's love for us. We love with "untils" instead of with "even if's." I want to be a woman who will love "Even If" you don't love me back. "Even if" you lie to me. "Even if" you hurt me. "Even if" you abandoned me. "Even if" you hate me. I want to love YOU the way God loves me, the way I'm supposed to love myself.

        I know it will be difficult at times but its better to work toward perfection than it is to stay in mediocrity.