INCANDESCENT

  

    For two days my chest has felt as if someone were standing on it. The weight of the want for retribution and the joy of recent revelations have been both encouraging and enraging. To be in a place to where I get to digest the fact that I did not deserve to be treated the way I had been nor is there anything wrong with me is bittersweet. Sweet in the fact that I realize that there is nothing about me that needs to be changed. Not in a prideful "I don't need to continue to grow and learn" way but "God has formed me and fashioned me in such a way that he did not make any mistakes." The bitter side of this is because I, for so long, felt "less than perfect and de-valued," that I have spent a large amount of time trying to change who I am to fit what I felt others wanted or what others determined I should be. I allowed people to come into my life and put me into the box of their own pre-conceived notions and ideas and I've felt internally trapped. I have bowed to people comparing me to their idea of "perfection" and when I do not...can not live up to those standards, I am, in turn, considered to be less valuable - this, of course, is my perception. You must know that I will always fail next to perfection - whether your ideal or the actual definition of the word.

I am not perfect.

     Never will be. I could very well be the most imperfect person in the world, have the darkest past and loftiest faults but I am learning that that's not such a bad thing. How can I say that? Because with all that has happened to me, I am able to look at my life, at my past, at my failures and see where God's mighty hand was perfectly interweaving the beautiful threads of grace, forgiveness, mercy and unbelievable healing. Are there areas of my life that need improving and continuous revelation and guidance? Of course! But I never again want to spend countless hours, days, months or years trying to figure out what is "wrong" with me - why was I not picked, not listened to, not noticed. I never again want to feel like I'm not important enough for someone to treat me with respect and courtesy. I never again want to intentionally pick myself apart and alter who I am as a person to figure out how to have someone accept me. I never again want to be sorry for being me.

     You see, without my imperfections, un-desirable past, I would not have the incredible story of redemption and restoration that I have. I would not have the intimate relationship with God that I do . I would not have such solid friendships. I would not know the strength that I have to persevere through un-believable circumstances. I would not be able to continuously decide to move forward regardless the difficulty. I would not have the anointing and ability to speak into so many peoples lives with power and conviction without experiencing within myself, my personal circumstances, God's faithfulness.

      God has taken such a flawed story and is turning it into a perfect testimony. Yes, parts of my story have already been completed, perfected, but as far as my life as a whole, there is so much more that is in store for me and I am beginning to look forward to experiencing it as myself, and not as the imposter I was morphing into. I pray that in this walk, this journey, I will not lose myself in the thoughts of others or the fears of my heart but that I will enjoy being who I am.

Perfectly Imperfect.