INCANDESCENT

                               

 I’m sure many of you are thinking “her blog has turned into the ranting of a lunatic” but please hear me out. What does this title have to do with me?

Let me give you some history.

     About 6 or 7 years ago, when I first moved here, there was a “person” that I looked up to and held in high regard and one day after church, in the midst of a group of us, “they” looked at me and said “you need to lose some weight,” and proceeded to comment based off of the outfit I had on. At the time I weighed about 110-112lbs, same as I am now. I remember what I was wearing - a v-necked, fitted black dress shirt and black pants and the shirt had a tendency to roll up at the bottom because it was made out of this weird, funky material but was still cute. I guess this made it look as if I was “causing” the shirt to roll up and that gave “them” the freedom to state their view of my frame. I don’t think I wore that shirt ever again…I couldn’t even tell you where it is.

     From that point on, I developed very severe body issues. I began to buy my clothes about a size or two too big because in my mind everything needed to be looser to fit. I stopped wearing dresses, skirts, anything that was seemingly “fitting.” And I would compare myself to every woman that I saw that looked to be the perfect size…which I was not. If around my friends or even in a room of strangers, I would feel like everyone was judging what I had on and that they would whisper, “There’s the fat girl. Look at her. Look at her clothes. Ugh!”

     I know you may think this is ridiculous because I know I am small, I always have been, but it’s so very real to me. Have I had any eating disorders because of it? No, not really, I love to eat too much, lol, but I have suffered a great deal because of it and though I’ve come a great deal away from that particular insecurity, I still have bouts of feeling that my size, my frame, is appalling to people and I internally shut down.

     What brought this all up? The small group I’m in is doing a study on Insecurity – FUN – and I feel like I am the most insecure person in the group which makes it extremely hard to participate. I often have comments, I’m sure you’re not surprised, but to speak amongst these beautiful, smart, educated women sends me into silent mode and I will mostly respond to the questions only in my head. With that being said, this study has made me the most sensitive and self-aware I think I’ve been in a long time if not ever. It has been a struggle to even write down the “roots” of the insecurities I have, let alone speak it aloud. Why? Because it is forcing me to relive the moments that so stained my heart and it’s painful and the emotion of it all is leaking into every other part of my life to where I feel insecure about dang near everything. I guess that would make sense if the roots of this has travelled to those areas.

The point?

     I got issues man! Lol…naw but seriously, it makes me think of how easy it is to push down insecurities or cover them over with something else until it no longer looks like an insecurity. Until the day God makes you face the seed, the tree and no longer the branches. I used to pray often that God would miraculously make me confident. That I wouldn’t feel so small (no pun intended) around others. I didn’t consider that the uprooting of this Mammoth sized tree in my heart would be painful and this is only ONE and nowhere near as large as the others (so I think).

     We have no idea how much long term damage our words can do to people. I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of it even if no one wants to admit it, but we have to learn to bridle our tongues, pass our thoughts and potential words by the Holy Spirit and let him fix as necessary before they’re let loose to the public, myself especially, because we never really know if someone is now (in) counseling, rehab, depression, self-destructive, denial or suicidal years later because of something we carelessly said years ago.

“Life and death is in the power of the tongue and those who love to talk will eat their own words. ~ Prov. 18:21”

     ...and I don’t believe this scripture was only meant to be made personal as far as speaking over yourself. I think it was also to help us keep in mind what we say to each other - you can help grow or help kill those around you. As we speak life over ourselves, try to be mindful to always speak life over and into others. What kinds of fruit are you helping others grow? Does the seed that you helped plant in someone’s heart need to be plucked out or uprooted or is the fruit that it’s bearing helping to nourish the person to thrive in the Kingdom and in all they are as a person? This can be difficult at times, especially if you are emotions-driven and feisty like myself, but it is now at the forefront of my mind and I thought it good to help bring it to the forefront of yours.