Looking back on the last few weeks, er, months have shown me more about myself that, honestly, I'm not sure I wanted to know. I have cried, no, sobbed so much these last couple of months that I've grown to expect the sudden irrational bursts of tears. and the more I cried, the angrier I became. So angry in fact, I decided to take it out on my wall. Not so much decided as it was either that or explode. Thankfully I didn't break the wall or my hand but I did hurt it fairly bad (still haven't gotten all the feeling back in my pointer finger) and when I think about how or why I got to that point, I'm still slightly lost.
I have more than a couple of times been called a fighter or a warrior and have agreeably felt like I've had to fight for everything I have. Fight for my friendships. Fight for my family. Fight for my opinion. Fight for my sanity. But when did I start fighting myself? When did I replace Satan's spot as my worst enemy with my name, my face? Instead of me wagging war against the devil, along side God's people and following Christ, I've turned the weapons I was given to defeat the tactics of the enemy to defeat my own calling.
Though I don't feel all of my wounds were self-inflicted, I do admit to pressing the spear in further with my agreeing with the one who shot me. "Maybe they're right. Maybe I am incapable. They're probably smart not to put their hopes in someone like me or see any of the potential I thought I saw in myself. I can't possibly be that important to be treated as such. Etc." These are the agreements I've made and am trying so hard now to get away from. Sometimes it's easier to just let the hurt overtake you than fight to overcome because when you make a conscious effort to heal, it means you must first acknowledge the pain and with doing so, I have to deal with the emotions I was once told were wrong.
"How do I forgive people while angry? How do I continue to love those that hurt me? How can I laugh again with someone I no longer trust?" These questions have been my reason to NOT face what I feel and also the reason why I feel I'm imploding. A sweet friend told me once I give my emotions a chance to express themselves (in a healthy manner) then my heart will start forgive. It doesn't matter if it's to forgive myself or others, it's still a process. That it's OK to feel the way I do. It doesn't make me any less of a Christian to be disgruntled.
I acknowledge that I am hurt but no longer hurt beyond repair.
I acknowledge that there was a death to a dream I held dear but not a death of me or of all the other dreams I have stored up in my heart.
I acknowledge that I will remain in this defeated place only if I decide not to move beyond my fears of failure, neglect and disappointment.
I acknowledge that there is a lot more to me than meets my eye and I need to continuously place my hopes and desires in the Lord.
Lord give me grace for myself so when I look back on all of this again, I will be able to say that I've only gained what you had for me in what seemed to be such a great loss.
5 comments:
Absolutely floored! That's right my friend!!! You are not hurt beyond repair and are one of the most beautiful and thoughtful people I have ever met. That isn't by accident, even if it does invite pain at times because everybody isn't as thoughtful as you.
I have had similar feelings about friendship and family, and I get it.
Aw thanks Britt! Thanks for always being there...here :o) for me.
Not much to say here, but... YUP!
I love this posting: the rawness & hope embedded in each word. Your "I acknowledge" statements are so powerful. I felt your breakthrough as I was reading them, like a ninja kicking through wood! Thank you for sharing your wisdom & being vulnerable in this space! Many will be blessed!
@Mels Thanks chica! the Ninja comment made me laugh!
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