INCANDESCENT

                               

 I’m sure many of you are thinking “her blog has turned into the ranting of a lunatic” but please hear me out. What does this title have to do with me?

Let me give you some history.

     About 6 or 7 years ago, when I first moved here, there was a “person” that I looked up to and held in high regard and one day after church, in the midst of a group of us, “they” looked at me and said “you need to lose some weight,” and proceeded to comment based off of the outfit I had on. At the time I weighed about 110-112lbs, same as I am now. I remember what I was wearing - a v-necked, fitted black dress shirt and black pants and the shirt had a tendency to roll up at the bottom because it was made out of this weird, funky material but was still cute. I guess this made it look as if I was “causing” the shirt to roll up and that gave “them” the freedom to state their view of my frame. I don’t think I wore that shirt ever again…I couldn’t even tell you where it is.

     From that point on, I developed very severe body issues. I began to buy my clothes about a size or two too big because in my mind everything needed to be looser to fit. I stopped wearing dresses, skirts, anything that was seemingly “fitting.” And I would compare myself to every woman that I saw that looked to be the perfect size…which I was not. If around my friends or even in a room of strangers, I would feel like everyone was judging what I had on and that they would whisper, “There’s the fat girl. Look at her. Look at her clothes. Ugh!”

     I know you may think this is ridiculous because I know I am small, I always have been, but it’s so very real to me. Have I had any eating disorders because of it? No, not really, I love to eat too much, lol, but I have suffered a great deal because of it and though I’ve come a great deal away from that particular insecurity, I still have bouts of feeling that my size, my frame, is appalling to people and I internally shut down.

     What brought this all up? The small group I’m in is doing a study on Insecurity – FUN – and I feel like I am the most insecure person in the group which makes it extremely hard to participate. I often have comments, I’m sure you’re not surprised, but to speak amongst these beautiful, smart, educated women sends me into silent mode and I will mostly respond to the questions only in my head. With that being said, this study has made me the most sensitive and self-aware I think I’ve been in a long time if not ever. It has been a struggle to even write down the “roots” of the insecurities I have, let alone speak it aloud. Why? Because it is forcing me to relive the moments that so stained my heart and it’s painful and the emotion of it all is leaking into every other part of my life to where I feel insecure about dang near everything. I guess that would make sense if the roots of this has travelled to those areas.

The point?

     I got issues man! Lol…naw but seriously, it makes me think of how easy it is to push down insecurities or cover them over with something else until it no longer looks like an insecurity. Until the day God makes you face the seed, the tree and no longer the branches. I used to pray often that God would miraculously make me confident. That I wouldn’t feel so small (no pun intended) around others. I didn’t consider that the uprooting of this Mammoth sized tree in my heart would be painful and this is only ONE and nowhere near as large as the others (so I think).

     We have no idea how much long term damage our words can do to people. I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of it even if no one wants to admit it, but we have to learn to bridle our tongues, pass our thoughts and potential words by the Holy Spirit and let him fix as necessary before they’re let loose to the public, myself especially, because we never really know if someone is now (in) counseling, rehab, depression, self-destructive, denial or suicidal years later because of something we carelessly said years ago.

“Life and death is in the power of the tongue and those who love to talk will eat their own words. ~ Prov. 18:21”

     ...and I don’t believe this scripture was only meant to be made personal as far as speaking over yourself. I think it was also to help us keep in mind what we say to each other - you can help grow or help kill those around you. As we speak life over ourselves, try to be mindful to always speak life over and into others. What kinds of fruit are you helping others grow? Does the seed that you helped plant in someone’s heart need to be plucked out or uprooted or is the fruit that it’s bearing helping to nourish the person to thrive in the Kingdom and in all they are as a person? This can be difficult at times, especially if you are emotions-driven and feisty like myself, but it is now at the forefront of my mind and I thought it good to help bring it to the forefront of yours.

                      

     Do you remember the game "Mother, May I?" The premise of the game is you stand about 20 feet away from the "mother," she gives you permission to do something, you respond with "Mother, may I?" and in turn you are allowed to move forward. The first to reach the mother wins. Where am I going with this?

Glad you asked.

     The Facebook phenomenom is starting to get to me. Mind you, I appreciate the updates, ability to stay in touch with people and just the fun of sharing silly quotes, pics and comments together BUT what I do not like is that some people do not take things as official or deem it as important if it's not announced, published, updated, or posted on Facebook. Why is that? Why does it have to be on FB to be real? My constant response to these comments or inquiries is that Facebook does not rule my life. Am I an avid FB user? Yes. I love being on this particular social network and the hilarious comaraderie that takes place amongst my friends, especially during a redundant or aggravating work day but the constant "Why didn't you put it on FB?" or "Oh, so it must not be...like...good or serious..." or "You're like inconspicuous. Why aren't there more pictures?" Initially, my feelings were hurt because it made me feel as if I'd done something wrong, judged even... especially by those I thought knew me better than that and should know I never do or not do anything without good reason, now it's just irritating.

Sigh...

     I do not feel I have to ask FB, persay, to legitamize what's important to me. There is no need to be suspicious of what I'm doing if I don't throw my entire life on the internet. I think I'm an extremely open person, sometimes waaaaaay too open, but some things that I hold dear to my heart, you may just not know about until I'm ready to share it with you...in my own timing...in my own way. I promise it's nothing against anyone as a person, I'm just not necessarily one to always follow the trends. Maybe I'm just rebelling against technology, I don't know, lol, but it's my choice as much as it is yours.

     So the next time someone makes a similiar remark, please do not be surprised if I stare blankly at you, smile and give you the SAME response I've been having to give to so many others...

Facebook does not define my life.

                                  


     Have you ever met someone you wish you hadn’t or gone to an event where someone made you feel like you were the stranger amongst strangers and you thought to yourself “I wish I could poof myself right out of this room, into my car and away from these people?” Well, this is my venting about such an event. A friend of mine, Rick, had that happen to him and it was infuriating and disheartening to hear.

     Let me just say, first off, that I am a stickler for communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t beat around the bush or give me hints, just tell me. Tell me exactly what I should expect at an event so I don’t wind up internally burying myself, raging and/or sobbing. Be mindful of how you say things to me, intonations and such. Don’t leave out words and assume I’m going to fill it in for you because likely, I will not since that will cause me to have to assume and that will always end in flames. Be mindful of how you introduce you and your personality to me, especially if you’re…

BLUNT (you are always straight forward),

FIERY (you are always straight forward and you’re sarcastic),

SEASONED with REASON (those that are of the “wiser” age and feel they don’t have to explain anything to the “wiper-snappers” and have earned their place to say/ask/do what they want) or

POPULAR (you’re so comfortable with everyone else there that you don’t consider someone else could be uncomfortable) because these types of people can make new-comers feel awkward, picked on and called out as opposed to accepted, welcomed and drawn in.

     Mind you, not all of us are naturally hospitable people or immediately open to welcoming Newbies into our lives. My friends, my besties, help me with this ALL OF THE TIME because I am the “fiery” one I listed earlier. If you don’t know if you’re one of these “types,” please ask a friend to be honest with you and tell you if you word things in a way that can be offensive or off-putting – not necessarily that the question or statement itself is offensive or off-putting. Hope that makes sense. Please ask them to point out how you could have re-worded a question and/or comment to ensure that all parties leave wanting to come back as opposed to praying God never makes them return.

     Now we all know I hate meet and greet’s and get-to-know-you-anything’s and to hear about this just furthered my angst with going into environments where the majority of the people are strangers and I have to deal with the “who are you?” questions because how these questions are presented can sometimes pull a response out of me you weren’t expecting because I immediately felt attacked or offended or just plain made uncomfortable…and I can do this while smiling. And btw…try not to insult the person by making a joke about they’re life or the information you’ve just acquired…that is NEVER the way to go, especially if you’re trying to potentially gain a friend. First impressions are sometimes all you have. And timing is everything!! Please don’t pull in all lasers to one person, unexpectedly, and think they will just blossom and light-up under the blaring red light you’ve just thrown them beneath. Try to keep intro’s and inquiries as natural as possible.

     Yes, yes, we need people in our lives and not every part of working our ways into society will be comfortable or even pleasant BUT this can be an avoided wound, depending on the person on the receiving end of you talking, an avoided anxiety attack, and an avoided reason to be a hermit. Most of the people that I had a rough “beginning” with, we’re cool now but there are some people that EVERY TIME I’m around them, they say or do something ridiculous that further approves of my running in the opposite direction when I see them. I know most peope mean no harm by it but it can still affect me...us...you. I’m sure I could be one of those people for someone else and if so, I apologize, but I’m learning from it and remain open to growing in that area.

Sigh…

I’m just sayin’…

*Awkward Girl Now Stepping Off Of Her Soap Box…*

     I’ve had this Jason Upton song, FLY, on repeat all morning and I realize that my soul is craving an outpouring of God’s spirit…His hand…His touch and not just for me but also for those around me. Corporate prayer. Corporate miracles. Corporate breakthrough. Corporate repenting.


     My heart longs to see His people free. Free to fly, to soar, to breathe, to dream, to have joy, to be whole. I feel everything in me wanting to run and shout “Listen! There is a GREAT GOD who loves you! Who will forgive you, heal you, restore you, make you whole and turn your life around. There is a man, named Jesus that died for us and took every sin known and unknown to man upon His shoulders and died the death we should have so we may live the life HE should have. Conquered death and is ALIVE with all power in his hands. There is a purpose for our life. It’s never too late or too much for God.”

     I know we should not live only for the moments when God reveals himself in a tangible manner. You know… the fog descending or everyone being “slain in the spirit” but I don’t believe it is wrong to want to see Him manifest himself this way. It sometimes feels as if the days of being in church and being so engulfed in worship and praising our Lord that we never get to the sermon are behind us or forgotten or just doesn’t fit in the schedule. That corporate outcry and surrender is Taboo and schedules must be kept to get God’s message across as opposed to just sitting in God. Do people still get together outside of church to worship and pray together anymore or must we wait until we are cued on Sunday morning to stand, stretch and yawn and stare at the stage waiting for the Team to put us in the mood to worship God? Do we only wait to fill up on Sunday morning once worship has taken place and a great word has been given or do we come with something to give as well? Yes, there is a time and a place for all of this, for our God is a God of order but he is also a non-conventional, out-of-the-box, beyond our understanding God and we must always leave room to allow Him to amaze us and even throw off our schedules…as uncomfortable as that can make us…INCLUDING MYSELF. There was such a sweet moment...peaceful moment at the Gungor concert I went to last week and it was a great reminder that it's ok to not stick to the "plan" and run with whatever idea the Holy Spirit has placed in your heart. It wasn't planned, slightly awkward but amazingly powerful.

     I pray that we come back to the Heart of worship - whatever worship looks like for you. That we will refocus our lives on JESUS and not on our families, work, problems, etc. though these things are also of great importance. That our loved ones will get an overflow of our time with God. An overflow of love, energy, patience, understanding, wisdom, laughter…We must get back to a place where all of our needs are met in Christ and that we are open to God using us to bless one another, help one another, pray for one another. There should not be a need among us and yet it seems we all have a need that someone else could probably meet if they were willing, be it money, babysitting, compassion, food, shelter, etc. I want to get back to James 5:14-15 - “Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven.”

     We need our Prayer Warriors back. Our Prophets back. Our Encouragers back. Our Teachers back. Our Leaders back. Our Fathers and Mothers back. Our Husbands and our Wives back. Our Children back. Our Brothers and Sisters back.

     I call you out…I call US out. To step up to the Call. To come out of the cowering darkness. To raise our chins and lift our eyes to look ahead and not behind us. We must go! We must answer the call with knocking knees and trembling hearts and speak with stammering words but nonetheless, GO!

     Lord, hear my prayer, hear our prayers, that you would give us the courage to love, follow and proclaim you OUTLOUD. That YOU in us will ring louder than the world around us. - Amen

    Odd title, huh? I’m sure you’re thinking “She must be crying out in sheer gratitude and excitement and just worded the title strangely.” Um…no. That’s part of it but not at all its totality. This “Cry” that I’m referencing is of slight panic. We so often read of the miracles God has performed in the bible and even amongst friends and other bloggers but I have yet to see a blog that addresses the question “What do I do AFTER God has physically healed me?”

    What do I mean by this?

    Well, when someone is praying constantly for God to heal them and then He does, I think we forget to pray for healing not just for our bodies but for the emotional trauma that comes with any form of sickness. We get so focused on wanting the tangible healing, the “Doctor Reported” healing, that once that is received, through God’s grace and love of course, we come out with a FULLY HEALED BODY and a FULLY SICK HEART and MENTALITY.

    There is a whirlwind of emotions, doubts, “what-if’s,” joy, undeniable pain and a series of revelations of God’s provision, promises and love. There is also a state of mourning you go through for the mere fact that your life has not turned out the way you planned and it’s now fully out of your control. You mourn your dreams. You mourn for your health. You mourn for your life. You even mourn for those who have so thoughtfully chosen to walk through such a tragic event alongside you. And through all of this, when God has decided to heal you, you find yourself still mourning a new, living thing…YOUR NEW LIFE.

    You have been blessed with a healed, restored, miracle of a life and you can’t enjoy it or even to begin to enjoy it because you are still thinking “My God, I almost died.” Instead of “My God, I almost died and you saved me.” You find yourself stuck on death as opposed to focused on your new life.

    So, how do you begin to live again when you thought you would surely die?

    Honestly? The hell if I know! Lol…ok, no, but seriously, this has been a blind walk of faith. Some days I question God’s reasoning as to why He decided to heal ME and not so many others. Why He loved…loves me enough to not let me suffer. Why would He give such an imperfect person a new life, new promises, new dreams only to continue to screw up and make mistakes? Why me, Lord? Why me?

    There is such a burden that comes with healing that people don’t tell you about. I have searched and I have not seen, though I could’ve overlooked it, anything in the bible that addresses the Post-Healing difficulties. Nothing about the Lepers, the Woman with the issue of blood, Lazarus, etc. Don’t get me wrong, there is a terrific freedom that is planted in your soul the instant you hear you’re 100% healthy but you must also carry the weight of the TESTIMONY. Knowing your story is unique to you and one day you will have to share it (because God doesn’t do things like that for you to keep secret) and it’s not for you to gain anything but it is solely to proclaim God’s glory. The weight of knowing your life will NEVER be the same, though in all honesty, it was extremely unhealthy in the past. The weight of the fear of nay-sayers. The weight of the fear of God acting as a MAN. That He will forget or renege His healing you and you will be left to explain the unexplainable and suffer your reality bitterly.

    What I have learned to do when these thoughts creep, whisper or shout in my mind, I declare over and over again,

“God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man that HE SHOULD CHANGE HIS MIND. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?”

    God has been so faithful to consistently and constantly confirm the great miracle He’s done in my life that even when I begin to doubt or become fearful, I don’t feel judged and He continues to be patient with me. He knows my heart and that I want to believe in Him and his Word with all that I am. So, whatever you may be believing for. What ever area of your life you are crying out to God to heal, whether body or heart, remember His Word and stand on it with everything you can muster. Pray for God to heal your body as well as restore your mind and heart. Pray that the Lord will restore your joy and teach you how to walk in your new, unfamiliar, slightly tight but amazingly fashionable shoes. Take in the new car smell, because I’m sure it will be used in some form of ministry, let your hair down and begin to LIVE with your eyes and heart wide open to all of your new, beautiful possibilities.

: )

     It’s the oddest thing to remember who you were and know who you are now. The polar differences you have in opinions, passions, goals…all different. To know what my insecurities used to be and where my confidence lies now. It’s like looking in the mirror and seeing myself but newer. Cleaner. Upgraded.

     A few close friends and I went to the Woman Thou Art Loosed Conference in Dallas this past weekend and it was none short of amazing. Even with the hiccups and glitches we ran into, it did not minimize or extract from what God had already planned to do in us, for us and thru us. I believe one of the most profound comments for me personally was “You GRIEVE hard because you LOVE hard.” This statement made every emotional scar in my heart seal up and scar over. I just need to make sure not to pick at it and let it fully heal.

Let me explain.

     What I mean by “Emotional Scar” is that all of the words that I have been struck with that caused me to believe I was “Too Emotional, Too Fiesty, Too Passionate,” seemed to fizzle into dust as my ears delivered that statement to my mind and my mind translated it to my heart. I am FREE. Free to love and trust again. Free to be me and expressive. Free to allow myself to feel, maybe even to cry and for those of you that know me, this in itself is a great victory.

     You see, I am a woman of great Passion, of great emotion. I am passionate about my family. I am passionate about my friends. I am passionate about my dreams. I will one day be passionate about my husband and our family. I am passionate about my convictions and beliefs and I am even passionate about how I feel about my enemies (still working on this one). But the one I am most passionate about is my God. He has been the breath of life and the rush of blood through my veins to keep me alive when I thought I’d surely die.

     I Love with great fervor and I can even hate with that same energy but I can assure you that I always fight just as hard to forgive and quickly feel defeated if there is any bitter residue left in my heart. I am a woman who loves to love people and for a time I HATED that very fact. I hated I cared for people. I hated I loved people. I hated that I would be so moved to pray for those that damaged me. I hated that God had even given me a heart. I fought the desire to express love, compassion and trust to all around me trying to change the person I knew I was inside. A quality I’d once admired about myself, and knew sat at the very core of me, had become like molten lava in my soul; burning and torturing me from the inside out.

     Oh, but let me tell you Saints, BUT GOD! (that’s for my road trip girls! lol) Seriously though. Never did I see the day where I would be in a place that I would want to love, trust and care for those around me somuch stronger. That much more passionate. That much more without restraint. I don’t want to waste anymore of my life hating how God created me, the part of me that is probably most like him. Loving His people. It feels so much easier to breathe now. The air is thinner and my soul is lighter.

     Am I still afraid that my heart will be ripped to shreds again? No, not afraid, more so making sure my feet are firmly planted in God so when I get hurt again, because I’m sure I will just like I’ll surely hurt someone myself, I will remember this moment. I'd forgotten how much joy it brought me to love those around me.

I am a LOVER and a FIGHTER.

     



       I often sit and think about all of the things I will never get to a chance to do or may never do again. I play over and over the movie of my life, picking out all of the places I wish I could edit/delete/re-cast. Moments I'd change. People I'd love better. Sentences I'd refrain from saying. Minutes, hours, days have gone into re-shaping, re-doing, re-living my past.


*sigh*

       Walking straight into my future and only seeing where I've come from. Blind to new opportunities, new friends, new foes, new memories, new mistakes, new successes and NEW LIFE.

        So much has changed. The sun is seemingly coming out to dry the drenched sidewalks of my heart; the areas wracked with drought have been nourished and restored by the torrential rain I thought would drown me. How different the sky looks, eyes up, clothes still soggy, hair still wet, watching the last straggling clouds move away from this season of my life. I thought all was lost but in fact, nothing has been taken away aside of all that was necessary. I've only gained.

       You see, I learned how to function in strange, unpredictable weather. Even find joy dancing in the rain but what I've come to realize is that I have forgotten how it feels to let the warmth of the sun blanket over my face, my body, my soul. I have found myself retreating to dark shadows like a vampire afraid of the sun because it feels so foreign to me. It scares me. To relish in peace is uneasy. To be filled with joy, happiness, excitement is a battle. Not to obtain it but to accept it. One of my best friends told me to "stop being afraid of good things." and it has stuck with me for months. I never considered fear hindering me in this manner. The fear of walking into a life God said he would give me and he actually came through. I shouldn't be surprised, He always does, yet I always am.

       So today, July 28, 2011, I am turning away from my past, not forgetting but finally seeing my future, my life restored, my promises revealed. What a slap in the face it would be to God if I were to do nothing with all he has done in me, for me, through me and with me. Lord help me not to waste anymore time. Teach me to walk in your joy and the miracle you've given me just as you taught me to walk in your strength and mercy. I hear you calling me out and in fear and trembling, here I come.

      

      Ok, so one morning I was listening to Joyce and she was talking about Love, you know how to love and making a point to love your neighbor and I thought to myself, “God teach me how to love” and almost fell apart. Reason being is that I feel like I haven’t really been making a point to LOVE people. These days I find myself opposite of a loving "neighbor." I'm moreso the tantrum-ridden kid in the pic when it comes to dealing with people. The scriptural definition is:

         I feel like I have stopped loving people. That my “love” has become a habit, no longer fresh on a daily basis. I hope this makes sense. As well as I have closed myself off to loving new people. My definition of love looking at my actions, thoughts, motives, heart is not the definition above. Mine reads as:

          This was my morning reality check and I am thankful because now HOW I love can be redefined. So many people hurt those around them because their definition of love has been skewed. We tend to love through our past which includes the good, the bad and the ugly, as opposed to learning to love through the mirror of God's love for us. We love with "untils" instead of with "even if's." I want to be a woman who will love "Even If" you don't love me back. "Even if" you lie to me. "Even if" you hurt me. "Even if" you abandoned me. "Even if" you hate me. I want to love YOU the way God loves me, the way I'm supposed to love myself.

        I know it will be difficult at times but its better to work toward perfection than it is to stay in mediocrity.

             I heard this song in the background of a random show I was watching while home sick today from my stomach flipping out due to a major anxiety attack I had at work and I had the thought to revisit the lyrics of this song. I started to imagine God speaking these very words to me, to my heart, to my insecurities and fears, doubts and weariness. In my mind, I can see God doing all that the song implies. Embracing me, doing all he can to comfort me and protect me, support and provide for me but there is one thing that keeps coming up in my mind:


             Will I...am I allowing God to give me a warm embrace or am I kicking and screaming in his arms like a child that just cut her knee? Unconsoleable and angry at the ground that hurt me. When I sit alone and cry at night, am I even looking at Him so that he can dry my tears? *sigh*

             So often I see God the way I see man, untrustworthy, ready and willing to laugh at my pain and count me out if I don't fit their plan or opinion. God is saying I belong and that I can trust Him and its so hard to hear in a world where we strive to be accepted and disappointment is prevalent. He's done so much to show me He loves me and not just tell me. He went hungry, thirsty, was beaten black and blue, crawled down an "avenue" to declare his love for me.

            Knowing all that was just stated, why is it so hard to receive the love? God's "love." God's "good." My friend Marie said to me today, "Stop being scared of good things." It's true. I'm scared of good things...terrified of good, profitable, blessed moments, people, and opportunities. I know how to function in the pit but not on the mountain peak. Hell, I have a hard time enjoying the plateaus.

            All this to say, I'm learning. As uncomfortable and skittish this new process makes me, and OH IT DOES, being able to fully relish in the joy of the Lord and not just in his strength and mercy is the new season I'm in.

Dear Jesus,


My past keeps having my heart for dinner and I don't know how to take it off of the menu. I'm having a hard time loving my neighbor. I don't quite understand turning the other cheek. How do I place my cares at your feet because I somehow keep ending up with it in my hands? Was forgiveness this hard for you too or is it just me? When will it be my turn? What am I doing with my life (I'd like to know this before my turn comes)? I would rather just not care but that is more than likely not in yours plans for me, so what do I do with my emotions in the meantime?

Do you like marshmellows and mustard too? Do you like the FOOTPRINTS poem? I do. Can I flip over a table like you did and not get in trouble for it? Everything that is overwhelming me at this moment, is this your yoke or mine? If mine, how do I get yours again? I need you to teach me to think like you. I need you to tell me I'm not a reject. I need you to teach me how to keep my joy. I need to know you more. Help me to believe what you say about me. I so desperately need my FATHER to sit with me and tell me everything will be ok. That my life is for a reason and no time has been wasted. I mean seriously God, did you know that I would be this bizarre when you made me? I can't see how you are never surprised...I'm ALWAYS surprised. Which of the qualities about me reminds you the most of yourself? You made me in your likeness and image...there has to be at least one!

Jesus, I'm quite frustrated. I know you've already been clued in. Please help.


Love You Forever,
Candace

This year has been a year of death for me. The death of stability. The death of dreams. The death of confidence. The death of trust. The death of me. I have cried more than I could ever explain and begged the Lord to just kill me because I could never quite gets the guts up to do it myself. I have seen the bareness of my heart and have been washed over with currents of betrayal and grief. I have stared at the ceiling hoping to wake up from the nightmare that was now my life and gone to sleep praying to never see light again. The Reeper was after me and I no longer had the strength nor the will to fight him. This has been my year...

This year has also been a year of unfathomable love. Those closest to me have fought and prayed when I couldn't and often rebuked the prayers yelled out of despair. They loved me even when I couldn't smile and held me when I couldn't stand. They cried with me, laughed with me and walked through the desert beside me though they could have been strolling on grassy plains. They were...are a mirror to me of God's love, grace and mercy and no words will ever fully express my gratitude.


But even with the love they poured into my life, there is one that went over and beyond. One that still surpassed the very best of human support and comfort. One who was always able to speak directly to my heart and say exactly what I needed to hear.

Jesus.

I have never felt the love of Christ the way I have in this season. To know even though I felt all was lost, I'd never lost Him. That when I had no hope, He was my hope. When I had no more dreams for my future, He told me to dream of Him. When I couldn't mutter a word or dredge up a moan, He still said He understood. I am dang near falling apart just typing this becase He has been so faithful to me - To a sinful, weak, prideful, fallible person as myself, He still loved me...STILL LOVES ME. My knight in shining armor. My father. My friend. My rescuer. My hope.


I have not written anything, anywhere in months and I knew I needed to start writing again, that this would be an important addition to my healing. So I decided to skim through blog ideas that I'd noted a while back and came across this verse I'd found interesting but at the time had nothing in me to expound upon it...until now.

This is what I feel God has been speaking to me the last couple of months. Arise. My sweet baby girl, LIVE! Jesus has taken my hand and has called me out of the death that has surrounded and engulfed me. All control of my life was shattered and what I had left over I gave to the Lord and He took the bits and pieces left of me, grabbed my hand and spoke life back into the deflated heart that laid still in my chest.

Now I can breath and it's not out of my own strength but His. Now I can dream, not out of my own confidence but through His promises. Now I can smile again, not from the darkened and tattered heart I once had, but from the new one He has given me. It is a daily battle to hold fast to what God has spoken to me but I have decided to continue to trust God and move forward. He has kept me even beyond death and will continue to do so. I surrendered my life to Him and He gave me a better one back. Restored, renewed, healed and whole. I know I am not the same as I was yesterday and as painful as the journey has been I am grateful. I have learned more of who I TRULY am and seen a glimpse of the beauty of God. My heart is overwhelmed with joy and awe when I think of Him.

I never thought I'd say this but I agree with David (or Ezra, there is a debate on who wrote this) when he said:



I don't pretend to understand the process of this life...my life but I now believe without a shadow of a doubt that my life and all that surrounds it is in God's hands and my soul rests in that.

*word changed from is to past tense

*word changed from have been to past tense

          I'd made a comment to my friend that she was "Beautifully Ugly" and she dang near cried! Needless to say, I don't think she got it, lol. I had been mulling over that very phrase several days before I'd spoken it. Initially it was of myself. The mess I'd become. The issues that had been brought to the forefront. The chaos of my life. That was the ugly.

          The beauty, however, is what makes the mess worth while. Purposed. Delicate and terrifying all in the same. It is the support and encouragement of family and friends. The ability to laugh in the middle of sorrow. The determination hope instills. The grace God gives to learn of and lean on him. The revelation at the end of the day that God brought you through what you thought impossible. And most overarching, the love that I feel walking with me on a path I've never traveled and a road he's already ventured upon.

           The most breathtaking to see is the coming of a storm. How the clouds roil in ferocious, unnerving and unapologetic. Huge, fluffy, dark mounds of cotton hide the baby blues, sun rays or twinkling stars. The site can completely overtake you with dread and fear if you can't see the light behind the darkness. See what you know is there in spite of how it looks. Know that every storm moves by nature. It may seem like it will be there forever but what you don't realize is that each moment it looks to be still, it has already moved, shifted, changed. You can never stay under the same part of a storm. It's impossible. That, in itself, should give us hope.

         Sometimes the rain from a storm can be the most refreshing time of your life. The sweet smell of the water. The bigger the drops, the more it washes away. In the rain, when you've decided to stand in it without reserve, you don't worry about mediocre things. The stress of making sure your hair and makeup are done. The worry of wearing the finest fabrics. The itch to run for cover. The care of others watching. Beauty can happen in the rain. Be born, refined and exposed clearly through the torrential weather.

I’m sure when you were younger you tried this very thing. I know I have. Ripped the band aid off because I was told it was the easiest and less painful process, and completely ripped the scab right off of my body. The pain was striking, it created a deeper wound where the scab used to reside because I pulled flesh out with it, the edges around the wound began to swell and take up a red tint and i bled...again. Repeating the same process as before just with more irritation and impending scar tissue.

This is how I currently feel. Like a band aid was ripped off of an area in my life that had been healing, slowly but steadily, and because that which was no longer necessary was not removed with care, it feels more severe than the original slicing, leaving me and it, more jaded now than before.There is one issue that stands out to me. 

Why was the scab attached to its temporary covering?

Well I have a few ideas. There could have been a defect with the part of the band aid that directly comes into contact with the wound. If the proper sealant was not on the gauze like area, it is very easy for the fibers to grow into the wound and cause an unnatural attachment. Also, the band aid could have been improperly placed, putting the adhesive arm of the sticky covering directly on wound. which, in turn, both could cause some issues if not handled properly. How do we avoid such situations, you ask? There needs to be something between the wound and the covering. An anti-infective. This keeps infection at bay, occasionally numbs the pain and will keep the wound protected even when the temporary covering is removed, be it spontaneous or delayed. So outside of Band Aid talk, what are we using as our Anti-Infective if at all? Are we solely depending on what only covers the surface or are we concerned with what also penetrates the wound? What can heal from the inside out, give you relief from the pain and discomfort from the wound and destroy all unseen infectives before it becomes infection? We all already know what I am going to say.

Jesus.

He alone should be the first we go to when we get wounded. The first we allow to let into direct contact with what is ailing us. The first we cry our tears to and ask to treat our boo-boo. Whether it be a skinned knee or a shanked heart, he is the only one that can treat beyond the surface and protect us from grappling at what will only remain temporary, for the only sure thing in this life is the love of Christ and that he will never leave us and will always take care of us. No matter how bloody, large or infected our wounds may get, God will clean, suture and mend what is broken.

    

           So I’m sitting up typing this because I can’t sleep. Why can’t I sleep? Because the term they’re "only human” is making a mockery of my emotions. What exactly is this supposed to mean or do? Did some guilty party create it in the hopes of equalizing any rampant emotions of the one who received the fault? Is it a bible verse and I just happened to skip over the part where Adam made a point to remind God he was only human and that’s why he ate the apple, pear or whatever it was? Or is it to make sure you realize and never forget that you too are just as imperfect as the one who scarred you? That you need to remember the last time you hurt someone so you won’t be as mad as if you negated doing so? When is it a bad time to make this statement? When should we pause, listen and maybe just say “You know what? That sucks.” Lets try a few, shall we?


a. “They stepped on my foot!” Oh, they’re only human.


b. “I can’t believe they threw that glass across the room!” Now, now… everyone gets angry. We’re only human.


c. “My wife says she’s been seeing another man for the last six months and wants to leave me.” Really? That’s too bad. It happens to the best of us. Well you know, she’s only human.

       Did you notice any that seem like this particular statement wouldn’t be the best to quote? Granted these are the least to the greatest extremes but hopefully you catch my drift. So, what do I think about all of this? I think it goes both ways. I feel we should never forget that we are all faulty, fragile, imperfect people that make tons of mistakes and bad choices to those we love and to strangers, whether purposed or not. We need to have grace and patience when learning together and growing on this sinfully rambunctious round thing we live on called Earth.

         I am fully aware of how easy it is for me to be the person that offends or scars someone’s heart and all I can do is repent to that person and if they choose to forgive me, move forward with or without the relationship. Now what I can’t do is assume that just because they realize I am made out of the same flesh they are and we are all equally flawed, that their emotions will normalize once the words “I’m sorry” are spoken.

          Granted, sometimes things are very easily restored once there has been proper acknowledgement, what ever that looks like for those persons, but more often than not, depending on the severity of the issue and how deeply it’s wounded the heart, you don’t want to hear that. It only makes what you feel invalid and ridiculous. You’re hurt but you shouldn’t be because you’ve hurt people too. You’re sad but don’t be as sad because you’ve made people sad too.

        Sometimes the more I think about things, the more I can’t wrap my brain around it and in that moment, if I am trying to hash it out with you (friend or assumed foe), be open and figure out why I feel a certain way or that I feel a certain emotion, or even just to have a place where it’s safe to unwrap the bandages around my heart, please, please don’t tell me that the one that hurt me, be it now or in the future, is “ONLY HUMAN.”

Say cheese. Smile for the camera. Smile for your family. 
Smile for your friends. 
I'm great. I'm good. I'm fine. I'm...

SMILE! 

Keep moving. 
Keep talking. 
Nod and be interested. 
Laugh and don't cry. 
Eat and don't puke. 
Breathe and stay conscious.
Be normal.
Be glued.

Smile. 

I'm forgiven so i forgive. 
Love without delay. 
Wash your face and meditate. 
Write a verse on your mirror. 
Speak things that are not as though they were. 
Don't dwell on the heartache. 
Don't think about the pain. 
Don't sleep all day.
Be excited for the unknown.
Grateful for the past.


Smile.

Everything is great.
Jesus is ultimately good.
I'm ultimately not.
Be strong.
Take heart...
Get another heart.
Let go and trust God.
Don't lose it.
Be bigger.
Try harder.
Invest... again.

Smile.

Be brave.
Say yes.
Be healed not broken.
Beautiful not shattered.
Supportive not jaded.
Open not walled.
Bandage up.
Walk out.

Then Repeat.

Smile.

Ok so I saw this picture on a blog I was reading today, the one you suggested Rod (AnIdolHeart.com), and thought “I’m that man! The man seemingly suspended in the air with the fear of falling but the hope of being caught.” Though I know this has probably been practiced time and time again; first on smaller scales, closer swings, and a cushioned bottom, does that change, alter or cancel the fear in the jumpers’ heart or the grain of doubt that “he’s caught me every time before this but what if this time he misses?” Looking at this picture, I have no doubt that he caught him without faltering but that is me on the outside looking in. I see the greater picture. Kind of like when your friends tell you that everything will work out or how they can see how God is moving in whatever the situation is. They see what we often cannot.

Now what a different picture it is to be the one jumping, leaping, arms fully stretched, head up and focused on the one he knows will catch him. What an awesome parallel of how we should be with Christ in our most vulnerable conditions. Imagine if he looked down and took the time to think about the ”what ifs”. What if I fall? How bad will it hurt? Will it kill me? Will it cripple me? Will I forever be bitter at the person that dropped me? If he’d taken the time to mull over all of that, do you think he would’ve kept his arms outstretch and eyes focused on the promise of being caught or began to slowly but surely curl himself into a ball and try to brace himself for his now inevitable fall?

Even if he decided to tuck and drop, that would not have changed the catchers response. He wouldn’t put his arms down because he did. He would stretch them further and harder because it is his responsibility to catch him. The only thing the catcher needs the jumper to do is follow through with focusing on him and he’ll do the rest. Even with your hearts beating fast, focus. When you feel absolutely nothing holding you, focus. When your eyes start to water and your stomach turns flips from fear, focus. And oh the joy and relief the jumper feels once he’s caught. The relief of knowing he was right, that the Catcher would not let him fall. Even though his arms may ache from the swinging impact after being caught, the discomfort won’t matter because, he was caught.

Oh how I look forward to being caught. The pain, anxiety and questions I have will no longer matter. To jump while in fear and make it to the other side will be worth every bruise, bump and bug in my eye. I’ve jumped, we’ve jumped, and the great news is, we’ll all be caught!!!

Today was a good day. I was pretty stressed at the begginning of the week but I really don't know why. Oh, yes I do......I hadn't prayed in a while. Do you ever notice how when you don't spend time with GOD after you have gotten used to it that it throws your whole day off, if not the whole week? Well, I got up, prayed and read today before I went to work, and the verse that stuck out to me was...
On the day my enemies hope to overpower me, the opposite will occur and I will overpower them. ESTHER 9:1
Do you realize how powerful that is? When we feel the world is about to swallow us whole and satan is coming at you in every angle, GOD is going to fight your battle, win the battle and give you the reward of triumph. I felt so under attach lately and I started to feel like everyone was against me but I can't focus my attention on people, and what they think especially if I know it's not true. I listened to this CD by Tye Tribbett called Everything, and it was just saying how GOD is absolutely everything we could ever need and want. He is my life, my strength, my joy, my peace, my breath, my savior, my redeemer, my hope. He is my sanity!
GOD I thank you for giving me this opportunity to share my walk in you with your people. I pray for your protection over my family and all of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Help us to become the people of GOD you have called us to be and help us gain wisdom and knowledge in your Word so we can fullfill the destiny and purpose you have set out for us. Thank you Lord for this day and for the daily mercies you show us. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Hello all. This is my first time doing this so please be patient. The purpose of this blog is to share with you the spiritual walk I am taking with GOD to better understand, love, and grow in the ministry GOD has put in my heart. I will post as often as I can, hopefully daily. I pray that we will all be blessed by me opening my life to you.